Brother, you won't get no argument here

I do actually have one or two more things to say about LGBTQ week.

This isn't one of them.

Some of you may have heard me singing this before. Some of you may know that I have been searching for this for as long as I have had access to a video-sharing internet. Some of you will be unsurprised to know that I have been watching old Saturday Night Lives, starting at the beginning, and now that I have found this I am sort of inclined to stop watching.

I'm probably overselling it. But country folks will understand.

Parent Trap

Sometimes, I get a published study to back me up, just in the nick of time.

I have a young friend (an adult, but this happens to adolescents, too, and my advice to their parents would be the same) who is in her first relationship with a woman.

Her straight mom, who is not much older than I am, is having a hard time with this. I know she's not alone, and I am not unsympathetic, and I have watched many straight parents go through this same thing.

Should you be a parent in this situation, here's what you need to navigate the situation with aplomb:

• Plan ahead. Way, way before this comes up, make sure there are trustworthy openly LGBTQ adults in your kids' lives — these could be friends of yours, godparents, aunts or uncles, camp counselors, teachers, clergy if that's your thing. You know, the kind of adults you'd want them going to if they ever felt they couldn't go to you. I understand it may be too late for this step for some of you.
• It's not about you. When and how they share this, whether by accident or on purpose, does not reflect on you or your relationship with your children. How you respond does.
• Your children are not ruining their lives. If anyone does ruin your children's life over a same-sex relationship, it will be the people who are mean to them about who they are. Don't be one of them.
• It's not about you. However much you are accustomed to having your children's identities tied up in yours, it is healthy and appropriate for them to distinguish themselves from you.
• Be open, but respectful. Coming out is different for everyone — some people have a hard time with it, and some people have a less hard time with it; for some people, it's about one relationship, and for some folks, it's a major identity awareness. Either way, you'll do better if you're available without pushing too hard.
• It's not about you. If this is behavior you don't approve of, your child already knows it — and it is likely killing him or her.
• Think of your future. Whatever you do or say now, your children will carry with them as they progress further into adulthood. Be cool for the sake of your future relationships with your children, their future partners, their future children... 
• It's not about you. If you find yourself rationalizing your reaction as actually about something else — secrecy, or a specific person, or even missing curfew, or something, take a deep breath and step way, way back. You will be glad you did.
• Show your kids how proud you are. My young friend is the type you'd be proud to have as your daughter; she's smart and kind and funny and confident and open-minded and athletic and beautiful. Your kids are incredible in their own ways. Make sure they know (and by this I mean, tell them, and also show them) all of how wonderful you think they are, always, both before and after any big revelations come to light.
• Oh, hey. It's not about you.

Straight parents, what would worry/bother you about a queer kid? Other queers, what would you add?

28, as, it turns out, plus 9 — Now with updates!

LGBTQ week here on CMC is off to a slow start, I know, but Monday night I was busy actually celebrating my queerness at the last night of Rainbow Bowl, and last night I was busy with a horrible, horrible migraine. So we're jumping in with both feet, with maybe the longest post of the week.

One of my favorite commenters, Amanda, asked for this one. She suggested "10 things straight friends do that they'd be SHOCKED! to know annoy the hell out of their gay friends (or five, or 15)."

I did not feel qualified to answer this one on my own, so I asked for some help. I did some editing on some of these for length or clarity or format, but all of these happened in real life to me or someone I know — in many cases, repeatedly. Remember, as we discussed back in 19 Secrets Women Wish Men Knew, not all people think alike, even when they are in a group.

1. Telling me I don't "look gay." I don't even know what people mean when they say this. Or rather, I do; they mean my hair is longer than that of the last queer woman they met and they have possibly observed I am wearing heels. What I don't know is how they want me to respond. "Thanks," maybe. Gross. What if I said you didn't look straight/female/black/American/something else that is part of your identity? People do say that other people don't look female/black/American, by the way — it's rude then, too.
2. (From A, a married friend) Referring to marriage equality as “gay marriage” — oh, really, aside from the idiotic lack of federal sanction, how is my gay marriage different from their straight one?
3. Upon learning I'm queer, immediately thinking of the one other queer person they know who they should introduce me to.
4. Never managing to introduce me to any of their other queer friends — it seems like maybe I'm the only queer friend they have, which makes me wonder about them.
5. Encouraging me to start dating very quickly after a major breakup. This has happened to me, but it happened worse to a friend. A gay male couple I knew broke up after 8 years, most of that time spent living together. Literally two weeks later (possibly less), people were urging at least one half that couple to get out there. Let the dude mourn a little if he wants to. I don't know if that's about assuming the relationship was less important because it was two men, or if it's about assuming men (especially gay ones) are so horny they need to have someone to sleep with always, but if I did that to a straight friend who'd just ended a, say, six-year marriage, people would think me abominable.
6. (From A) Ghettoizing us more than we do with phrases like “you people…”
7. (From B, a married female friend in her 60s) People/men addressing us as "girls" - whereas other groups of older women are addressed as ladies… not sure what that is about. 
8. (From B) Asking questions about who takes out the trash and/or does the lawn — like one of us is the butch — which may be true, but I'm not sure it is anyone's business.
9. Defending hurtful behavior as somehow not a big deal. If I stomp on your foot, and you object, and I (or someone else) dismiss it as, "I was just being funny!", your foot will still hurt, and now you'll also be sad that someone who you thought was your friend is standing up for the foot-stomper. On the other hand, "I was just trying to be funny, but I see how my actions had real-life consequences, so I'm sorry I did it, and I'll try not to do it anymore," could be very healing. Just silently agreeing to disagree, even, doesn't heal, but it at least doesn't hurt more. 
10. (From C, a pansexual female friend) Assuming I am a lesbian because I am dating a woman.
11. (From C) Assuming I was a lesbian all along because I am divorcing my husband (because, clearly, the ONLY reason to leave a man is for another woman?!!?!) 
12. (From C) Assuming I was a lesbian all along and grandly congratulating me on my new-to-them same-sex relationship (because, clearly, I've just come out of the closet?!!?) 
13. (From C) Assuming I am not serious about my girlfriend because: a) I married a man, b) I have been with more men than women in my lifetime c) I'm bisexual (really pansexual, but whatev), d) I might just go back to "playing for the other team" 
14. (From C) Assuming that she is male/my boyfriend because of her appearance.
15. (From C) My dad declining my request to bring my girlfriend to the weekly family dinner for a meet-and-greet because: a) he's a homophobic ex-catholic republican b) he thinks that my having a girlfriend is some sort of sexual phase I will outgrow. 
16. Labelling single-person bathrooms by sex. What good does that do anyone?
17. (From D, a female married friend with a child) Asking me if my son's dad is a red-head. It is weird and awkward. 
18. (From D) Asking if I've met the donor even though they know we used a sperm bank - a valid question but odd - it moves closer to annoying when they ask if I had sex with the donor. 
19. (From D) Giving "permission," as in, if a nurse asks a male patient about his wife and he replies that he has a husband, it is incredibly inappropriate for the nurse to say, "Oh, that's OK".
20. (From my friend E) Flirting — or unflirting, as in, "If I were gay, I'd totally be into you."
21. (From E) Using any of the following sentences: "I wish I were gay." "It must be so much easier." "I think I'll just quit [the opposite sex]."
22. (From E) "No, I don't mean gay like that kind of gay; I mean gay like stupid."
23. Using "queer" and "gay" to mean "stupid," and then, when I've called them on it, launching into an explanation that they experimented with the same sex in college.
24. Actually, launching into an explanation of college experimentation with me at all.
25. Taking it personally when we don't come out to them. If this is you, think about whether it's about you or something you might have said, and then, if you're sure it's not, accept that it's about us and our own journey. Let it go.
26. Talking about how they have nothing against LGBTQ folks, but they wouldn't want their own child to be queer, because the world can be so cruel.
27. Claiming they are "queer" because they identify as allies.
28. Using the word "partner" for their heterosexual significant other. This didn't used to bother me the way it does now; now, I see that word as a password, and I dislike when people not in the club use it out of what feels to me like misplaced solidarity.
29. UPDATE: (just in from my friend F) Assuming that we queer folks are big fans of your HRC t-shirt/sticker/etc. Some LGBT folks support the HRC. Others (and this is more than a small number) would rather gnaw off their own foot than give them money. Just because they make the nice equal sign stickers doesn't mean they're the best place to give your money.
30. UPDATE: (from F) "You're just like everyone else!" No, I'm not. And I don't need to be. And, by the way, "everyone else" is not just like "everyone else". 
31. UPDATE: (from F) "Oh...don't call yourself butch!" That tells me two things: first, that the person I'm talking to is uncomfortable with butch identity for a variety of reasons and, two, that they think they way I am proud to describe myself is somehow a put-down.

But also, I thought I should add this to Amanda's original idea: "Things straight people have done unexpectedly that were completely the right thing to do," both because straight people do things right all the time, and because the first one makes a point so beautifully.

1. (From the same A above) Numerous straight people have referred to their husband/wife/significant other as “partner”, which, depending on the couldn’t-really-say-if-you-are-straight-or-gay-or-somewhere-in-between factor they embodied, has kept me wondering until I met said person and learned they were just run o’ the mill straight people after all. 
2. (From A) They’ve asked me (when I was single) and us, now that I’m married, to be godfather(s) to their child, and want their child to grow up knowing that love comes in myriad forms. Mostly, they want their child to know that love comes at them from many directions. 
3. (From B) They passed legal marriage and that had to be done by straights; as well as the ordination of gays in at least some states… 
4. (From B) So often now guys like the plumber who comes to fix the sink, doesn't blink. How different from even 5 years ago! 
5. (From C) My sister talking at length about my girlfriend and how (insanely) happy she makes me at said homophobic ex-catholic republican dad's house during the weekly family dinner 
6. (From C) My (aforementioned) dad's wife sending an e-mail to me suggesting that while dinner with dad is a no-go, she would be very happy to meet my girlfriend 
7. (From C) My co-workers noting that I'm a happier camper and upon finding out why (her!) giving tons of support/congrats/et cetera. Hell, Chef even picked up the food tab for our elaborate 9-course side-by-side belated Valentine's dinner date. That's love right there in the food industry! 
8. People who just asked when they wondered if I'm, you know, that way, especially when I was obviously struggling with coming out.
9. People who've had and expressed hurtful views to me — and apologized unequivocally when they realized they were wrong.

So, hoping the comments here are more lively. LGBTQ folks, what did I leave off either list? Straight folks, what are your questions/comments/concerns, beyond that I appear to sort my friends in alphabetical order?

Timing is everything

Here's the thing: I have a thing I want to do with the blog, which I was going to announce today, and then decided that today would be the wrong day for it, because if you all thought it was an April Fool thing, and said it was dumb, then I wouldn't be able to do it.

It's like that time my friend had to tell his or her newish significant other they had crabs on April Fools Day, and the S.O. thought it was a joke. That's awkward, right? To have to convince someone you have crabs?*

So I thought I'd do a real April Fool thing here if I could think of a good one, but all I've come up with so far is an apology to you announcing I have to shut down the blog for some reason, except that then if anyone took it seriously, they'd unsubscribe, and then I'd lose readers, which I only have like a dozen of to start with. For real, you guys, I'm not shutting down the blog.

Here's what I am doing, for reals: Not next week, but the week after, is queer week. A bunch of different LGBTQ topics have come up in my life lately, and it occurred to me that my readership, which consists mostly (though by no means exclusively) of supportive straight folks (thanks, by the way), might benefit from my thoughts on some of those topics. Topics will include but are not necessarily limited to:

• Appropriate responses to your child dating people of the same sex, and what it means when parents do it wrong
• Appropriate responses to the insulting use of words like "faggy," "gay," "queer," "dyke," etc., and appropriate responses to being called on inappropriate use of same
• Dealing with "Christians" who think people are damned to hell

In the week between now and then, I'll try to keep it light with some funny stories at my expense. Here's your job: Think of other topics you'd like to see addressed in queer week and comment here. If you're worried about offending me, feel free to comment anonymously.




*None of the people in that story are me, I promise.

April powers

Things that I read, heard about, or did today that seemed like April Fool's jokes but apparently weren't:

• I told my friend I was leaving for Sears right then, but I didn't leave for an hour, and she was waiting for me there the whole time.
• Someone I know started doing something called a "Harry Potter workout."
• A friend-of-a-friend received a phone call asserting that her mother had been kidnapped and demanding ransom, when in fact the mother was in a sauna and not kidnapped. The FBI was uninterested that someone is making calls claiming to have kidnapped people.
• The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced his intent to retire, and one of the frontrunners his successor is opposed to the ordination of women.
• I started watching Dirty Sexy Money because I ran out of episodes of The Jersey Shore. 
• I continued to cram for my cholesterol test.

Also, I gave away the bed frame from the moving story to BTG from the moving story.

And may have learned that eating too many almonds maybe gives me migraines. Maybe. I'm not willing to commit to that yet, because almonds are good.