An open letter to my local Kia dealer

Note: On the Facebook page, I mentioned a little while back that I had a folder full of drafts I never finished: More than 60 of 'em, in fact. I'm going through that folder now, deleting what's not worth it, posting what might entertain you. This gem dates back to June 2010; I'm skipping around some, chronologically. 

Dear local Kia dealer,
When your ad campaign immediately makes me wonder if a terrorist sent it,

1. I lived and worked in a post-9/11 D.C. area for too long, and/or
2. I've been watching too much "Sleeper Cell," and/or
3. You need a new ad campaign.

Either way, I am happy with my car and will not need a Kia. You may save your plain white envelopes with my address handwritten on it, with no return address. You may save your first-class stamp, and use your creepy-vague post-it notes for someone else.

Thank you,
bzzzzgrrrl