He's not heavy; he's my brother-in-law

I mentioned my brother-in-law's birthday earlier.

Naturally, there was a party. It was a family party, and it was just. So. Fun.

In attendance were:

• My brother-in-law
• My sister
• Their daughter (16.5 months)
• His mother
• His sister
• Her husband
• Their kids (4 and 6)
• My brother-in-law's cousin
• His girlfriend
• My parents
• Me

Apologies to anyone who had a hard time figuring out the pronouns and antecedents up there.

Anyway, the party was a blast. There was karaoke and chess and meatballs and hot dogs and hamburgers and noodles and two kinds of cake. There was the cool older cousin having a good time with the kids, and the grownups rocking out to 80s music. It was just really, really delightful.

Day 14 of my month of gratitude: I am thankful to have family around — that I like. Truly, I don't have the one aunt everyone hates or those awful bratty cousins no one can stand. I am so blessed to have so much family that I really enjoy spending time with.

The mourning, after

It's taken me a little while to write about the election, because, well, it's hard for me to find a lot of gratitude there.

But Thursday, I was in town, buying a birthday present for my brother-in-law, and ran into a woman I know not-as-well-as-I'd-like. She's one of those activists I'd like to think I could be — but am not. She practices what she preaches, and she works very, very hard, for causes like health care, living wages, affordable housing, and sound energy policy. She runs a non-profit toward that end. She's one of my local heroes, and she knows everyone in town, and she's everyone's local hero.

I didn't see her at first, but she saw me, and greeted me cheerily. And I asked how she was, and she said, "I'm good. I'm done with mourning, and ready to start fighting again. How are you?"

To which I replied, honestly, though I hadn't been thinking about it at all when I asked how she was, "Not done mourning, but working on it."

And actually, probably, a lot of the difference between us is that, pre-election, she worked really, really hard. She gave everything she could, left nothing on the field. And me? I am left wondering if what I could have done — but didn't — might have made a difference.

She was absolutely ready to keep going. I just hope I can gear up to get started.

Day 13 of my month of gratitude: I am so thankful for people who work hard to ensure this world is as good a place as it can be.

Try to remember the kind of November

Fifteen years ago, I was working for a woman whose daughter was about my age. The daughter lived in California, and we struck up an occasional correspondence.

She wrote me a note around this time of year, asking about the weather in New Hampshire. She loved November in New England, she said — "it's so grey and skeletal." I loved that phrase — enough that I've retained it for 15 years.

November is just starting to get skeletal this year, but it is not yet at all gray. The weather's been gorgeous, with blue blue skies. And as much as I miss the incredible reds and oranges of a few weeks ago, I love the views that their absence affords. And in a few weeks, I'll be very ready to cover those views with snow.

When I lived in D.C. and came home, it was often the weather that would make me homesick (sorry, family).

Day 12 of my month of gratitude: I'm thankful for changing seasons, and for the nostalgia I get out of every fluctuation in the temperature, every new bud and falling leaf and too-deep slush puddle.

Happy Veterans Day

I am not sure I have ever expressed to anyone who reads this blog the complicated nature of my relationship with the military.

I have:

• gotten recruiting calls from West Point (for no good reason; seriously, my grades in high school were terrible and my SATs were very good, but not amazing)
• been a pacifist
• considered joining the Reserve
• dated someone whose father was a retired two-star general
• numbered soldiers and Marines among some of my closest friends
• been scared to death on and after September 11
• lived very close to the Pentagon
• been simultaneously horrified and delighted by the weekly Twilight Tattoos on the National Mall
• opposed every war the U.S. has entered in my lifetime

So, yeah, it's a little complicated.

But you know what?

Until my adult self is ready to be the kind of unambivalent pacifist my 15-year-old self was, and is willing to deal with the consequences of what it would mean if my nation suddenly gave up its military, I have no business being anything but undyingly grateful to the men and women who serve our country in all of the jobs our military takes care of.

I am deeply proud of my friends in uniform, and I am honored that they serve to protect me and my freedoms.

Day 11 of my month of gratitude: I am grateful for people who do the work I can't do. Happy Veterans Day.

Lord, beer me strength

The day this post should have been posted, I ran 2 miles and lost at arm wrestling before 8 in the morning.
Possibly relevant extra facts:

• I hadn't run in a month before that.
• The woman I lost at arm wrestling to is 18 years older than I am.

Possibly relevant extra extra facts:

• She's in really good shape, seriously, and her profession requires a certain amount of upper-body strength.

So, you know, mixed bag.

And on the day I'm actually writing this? I went for a three-mile walk first thing in the morning, went for a hike with my dad, and am headed to the gym for a session with my trainer.

Day 10 of my month of gratitude: I'm thankful for my temporarily able body. Let's all hope that it carries me into the week after the month of gratitude, when I'm theoretically running this 5K. Because, you know, hot chocolate.

Good food

When I was in high school, I had a Jewish best friend whose mom was a phenomenal cook.

From him, I learned to make good matzoh ball soup.

I probably make better matzoh ball soup than any goy you know.

Here's how:

• water
• cooked chicken
• celery
• carrots
• salt
• pepper
• onions
• garlic

Those are essential.
To that, add:

• all the fresh, frozen, or canned veggies you have around
• whatever herbs and spices you want, probably including some random condiments
• matzoh balls made according to the directions on the matzoh meal box

Day 9 of my month of gratitude: I am grateful for soup, especially in the fall. Seriously, so, so good.

Boozy business

I went to a lia sophia meeting the other night, at which I was handed a check for $50 and a margarita to drink right there.

I can say without reservation that that has never happened to me at a work meeting before, ever.

Day 8 of my month of gratitude: I am thankful for the cash, jewelry, and fun that lia sophia has added to my life. When does it ever happen that you get to have two good jobs at once? Hey, also, who wants to have a lia sophia party with me?

Plus, you know, all the keggers

In the last few weeks, I've gone to:

• a lecture on emerging adulthood
• a workshop on rank and class in the workplace
• a dialogue with the legendary Vincent Harding
• a discussion on Native American mascots
• a discussion on how environmental disasters disproportionately impact the already underprivileged
• a health screening that checked my BMI, cholesterol, glucose, and blood pressure
• a lecture by Naomi Tutu (daughter of Desmond) on the Truth and Reconciliation Commission
• a discussion on bullying and GLBTQ youth isolation
• a whole bunch of free meals

...all at my job. You?

Day 7 of my month of gratitude: I am thankful to work on a college campus — and in a college town.

Wonder full

Is there anything better than finding the new thing that goes in the "Funny ha ha" folder in your reader?

You know you may get bored with it in a few days, but right now, it's the funniest thing you've ever seen.

My two most recent:

• Damn You, Auto Correct!
• Our Valued Customers

Yours?

Day 6 of my month of gratitude: I'm thankful for the magic of new discoveries on the internets. God bless faddish snark.

My best pun was about a horse and carriage, and I couldn't pull it off

Sometimes, when I have a hard time thinking of what I'm thankful for, I ask a friend.

I know where you think I'm going. Yeah, yeah, friends are great, but we'll save that for another post.

Twice, my friend said "handsome butches."

And it was probably just because she is a handsome butch, but she's not wrong.

Side note: The only other suggestion she gave twice was "otters," but she was wrong there.

Day 5 of my month of gratitude: I am thankful for handsome butches and other gender outlaws, both those who enrich my life personally and those who just make the world better for all of us.

Protecting anonymity

Hey, Anonymous commenter on my last post.

I'm apparently bad at this.

But I know how it is. You know me in person and you're concerned, or you stumbled here from somewhere else and really hoped I'd keep it going, and then? Disappointment.

Thanks for keeping me honest.

Day 4 of my month of gratitude: I'm thankful for the folks who keep me honest, even when they don't want me to know who they are. This post is for you, as are the next six.

The cop-out post, already

As I mentioned in my last post, I missed Day 2. So today, you get a bonus to keep me on track.

Bonus Day of my month of gratitude: I am grateful for mulligans, for all those second chances I get without thinking about them.

Video killed the broken heart

The irony of my missing my second day of a month of gratitude is that I actually have a few post ideas stockpiled so I won't have any trouble doing one a day. Stockpile does not help with the remembering to just do it, though.

A friend of mine from college and so many experiences beyond college I don't know where he's a friend from anymore used to say that most of what people talk about is other people they know and television. We discussed why that was a lot, but the idea is, we're all looking for discussion topics in common, and if you don't have friends in common, you probably have TV people. Luckily, he and I had (and have) lots of people in common.

And then a podcast I listened to after my last difficult breakup — on the subject of handling breakups — suggested the TV series on DVDs as a strategy. The idea there is, you always have people you know waiting for you at home that way. You can watch Mary and Lou and Rhoda, or hang with Chandler and Monica and Joey and Rachel, or whatever. I took that to heart at the time, and it worked. In fact, in retrospect, TV series in syndication got me through every rough part of my childhood and adolescence — and although many people had much worse childhoods and adolescences than I did, I needed those friends from M*A*S*H and Welcome Back, Kotter and Happy Days. I really do gravitate to shows about circles of friends, not because I didn't (or don't) have friends of my own, but because there is comfort about a circle, a group, that you can call on when you want them. TV gets a lot of blame, and it probably deserves it, but we watch it for lots of reasons, and there's one of them.

Oh in case you were concerned, I just finished watching all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That's what brings this to mind, rather than any fresh wounds. Don't worry.

Day 3 of my month of gratitude: I am grateful for TV. Blessed, blessed TV. Any suggestions for what I should be watching next?

k thx

It's not that I don't like blogging, you know. I love it. I love it more when you read what I write and tell me how funny and smart and awesome I am.

But sometimes, in life and on the blog, I get distracted, overwhelmed, unmotivated, for about a million reasons, almost none of them interesting. And then I don't do anything well.

But the cool kids are doing this month-of-gratitude thing. And I'm hoping that, if I post my gratitudes here, every day for a month, I will:

• Get back into the swing of blogging
• Get more motivated generally
• Get happier generally
• Be more deliberate about what I do and engage with
• Reengage you people, who I miss, a lot

Now, it's still me. I'm not sure I'm capable of a month of mushiness, even if it is warranted. So, with a little luck, I'll be able to be a little creative in the ways I express my thanks. Maybe there'll be:

• Photos, or bad drawings
• Funny stories at my expense
• Funny stories at others' expense
• Religion
• Politics
• Sex (OK, probably not.)
• Links to other places on the internet that are even more interesting than this one.
• Bulleted lists

I don't know. But I'm ready to give it a shot.

Day 1 of my month of gratitude: I'm grateful that I have this space, and that you — yes, you — are reading. And will be extra-grateful if you'll tell me what kind of stuff you want to read, this month and all the time.

In case we're not Facebook friends...

[bzzzzgrrrl] is spending this National Coming Out Day all the way out and happily queer, and encourages her LGBTQ friends to do the same. Straight allies, I will accept cocktails, dinner, and/or cash. (Or, you know, Flattrs.)

Life in a cliched hypothetical situation

Sometimes, in the mornings, I like to go for a walk or a run.

Sunday morning, I was out for a walk, and I found a wallet on the ground.

In it was:

• A barely-expired non-driver ID
• A bank card
• A little loose change

Since I live in a small town and had her address, it was easy to find the young woman who'd lost the wallet on Facebook. In fact, we have one mutual friend. I sent her a message:

[Name]-
I was walking on [my street] in [my town] this morning and found a wallet with your ID and bank card in it. How can I get it back to you?
Best,
[bzzzzgrrrl]

Three days later, she responded:

my phone # is [phone number] and i had $98 in there too. thank you so much, you're a life saver.

Followed semi-quickly by another message:

ive been struggling without my wallet and i assume someone took the money right? not you but some1 who saw it took the $ then ditched on [my street] i bet. That was all the $ i had until the 21st. and i jst learned that im pregnet so the timing sux but im greatful you at least found it. thank you from the bottom of my heart. i can meet you in keene, jst txt cuz i dont have $ for anymore mins. k hun thanx once again!!!!

So.

Obviously, I would have mentioned that there was cash if I'd found cash. I didn't.

Four things:

1. What kind of jackass takes $98 but leaves the wallet on the ground? Stupid litterers.
2. Should I be worried that she's going to assume I took the money, because, see #1 above?
3. What are the odds this is a scam of some kind, because, see #1 and #2 above?
4. Is it ridiculously cynical of me to even think of #3?
   

An epidemic

I haven't posted to Facebook yet about how my people die a lot lately, because I don't know how to do that in that few words. If you don't know what I'm talking about, Sinclair's post is an excellent place to start (Warning: the post is great, but the site and its advertising are NSFW).
If you don't want to click through after that warning: five boys in twenty days killed themselves after being bullied about being gay (which, as anyone who's been in a middle school or high school in the last forty years knows, may or may not mean they were actually gay).

I can't say much that others haven't said, but I also know that not all of my readers spend a whole lot of time reading the brilliant words of other GLBT folks online. You come here for the funny stories about your ordinary (if exceptionally clever and good-looking) friend's stories of life in the country. So I'm writing about this in case it means people will see it who wouldn't have otherwise.
Here's what I feel:

• So, so, so much sadness. So much grief, not just for five teenagers who have died in twenty days (as if that's not enough), but for the loss to my communities: for the shining lights they were while they lived and the brilliant suns they could have become: People who could have helped others survive torment, people who could have raised families, run for office, been extraordinary friends and activists and artists and scientists and clergy and and teachers and businesspeople and citizens and lovers. And hell, maybe they would have become horrible people. They still would have deserved to live.
  
• And all of the above? I also feel or so many other people who have died for the same reason whose deaths haven't made the news. People who were so scared of what could happen that death seemed better.

There are many solutions, and we should do them all.
Here's mine: Expose children to queers.
Openly.
All the kids need this: Potential bullies, potential targets, potential bystanders.

• Queers, we need to get over the fear of how society will react to our reaching out to kids, specifically. We need to be out, and we need to get to know as many kids as we can. We need to expose them to our lives and our friends' lives. We need to show them that we live lives both ordinary and radical, sometimes at the same time, and also sometimes not.
• Non-queers, you need to do all you can to ensure that children see that bullying is not acceptable, and that queerness is. I'll be your token, but I am not enough. Exposure to me is the barest tip of the iceberg. Also: Stop worrying about "how you'll explain." No one's asking you to teach a five-year-old about anal sex (though you'll probably want to do that around the same time you explain vaginal sex, incidentally, if you're serious about this normalizing, because to do otherwise suggests that you assume she or he will encounter straight sex before or to the exclusion of gay sex).
• Everyone, make sure the books and movies you choose for children incorporate a range of experiences. Let them fall in love with the gayest characters. Buy this stuff and ask that your library do the same. Money talks. If you buy it, they'll make more.
  

Dan Savage's It Gets Better project is a great place to start. Ellen Degeneres's video is a great start. But if the famous people are going to promise children that it will get better, all the rest of us need to make sure that it does.

UPDATE 10/1 at 4:22 p.m.: Six. I am trying not to cry at my desk at work.

In which the jaded spinster discusses marriage

So, you know, I'm single. And open to dating, if you know anyone.

But when it (infrequently) occurs to me to wish I were married, it is usually for one of the following two reasons (in order of how often it occurs to me):

1. I wish I had someone to help me move this heavy thing, or
2. I wish there were two incomes to cover these utilities.

Are there other advantages to marriage, you married people? Single people, are there other reasons you wish you were married?

I ask because the internet asked me...

OK, not the whole internet. Just Kristy. And now that I reread her post, she didn't even ask. But whatever. The post is written now.

What's in your purse?

My answer comes in two parts, because I don't carry a purse.

Part One: I do have a work bag that does double-duty as my gym bag, and it contains:

• Sweat shorts I've owned for one million years
• New long sports bra
• Sneakers
• Socks (white sport)
• Socks (black dress)
• Armadillo's burrito bonus card
• Mederma for the giant scar on my leg
• Cell phone charger
• Pencil (yellow, pink eraser)
• Trish reversible necklace
• Oz pendant slide
• Duchess ring
• Moonwalk ring
• Zen bracelet
• A toothbrush
• A San Francisco bike map and walking guide that I must have stolen from my cousin Laura in January and didn't know it until now — sorry, Laura.
• The program to Katya's Holiday Spectacular!, a drag show I attended in January
  
• A $50 voucher from Southwest
• Two jalapeños in a zippered baggie
• One quarter
• Two dimes
• One nickel
• Four pennies
• Keys to my office and house, on a whistle/compass/magnifying glass/thermometer keychain
• Business cards (lia sophia) in an elegant business card holder
• A to-do list from over a month ago
  
• My kitchen timer

Part Two: My rock-star friend and I were just discussing the other day what I'd do if I won the lottery, and what would be in my purse under those circumstances.

me: first i would buy all the jewelry in the whole catalog, even the stuff i didn't like, so people could see it
rock star: heh
me: i get a 70% discount, so that would come to about $6,000, i think
rock star: that'd be like the change in the bottom of your bag... dude
me: yup
if i had a bag
which i would, if i won the lottery
because $6000 wouldn't fit well in my jeans pocket
the way my current change does
rock star: or you'd have to get a really really tight belt to hold your pants up
me: unless i had it in $1000 bills
in which case it would take up the same space as the $6 i have there now
but cumberland farms would hassle me when i went to buy a diet coke
so, yeah
when i win the lottery, i'll get a purse and all the lia sophia jewelry
rock star: good plan

So, now I'm asking. What's in your purse or equivalent?

Flattry will get you everywhere

So, this Flattr thing.

Have you heard about it?

If not, and you're interested in a very cool, passionate explanation, with video, my friend Mike has that covered over here.

If you're just interested in a short explanation, it's a way for you to support the people who are responsible for the good stuff on the internet — without it costing you too much. And if you're one of the people who creates that good stuff on the internet, it's a way for you to start getting that support.

I think it's a good idea. I hope you'll join, so I can give you money when I like what you're doing, and other people can, too.

And obviously, if you like what I'm doing, I hope you'll hit my handy new Flattr button over there on the right.

Aw, hell. Now I need to write stuff people will like or find interesting. Soooooo out of practice.