Sunday, November 1, 2009

Food (and drink!) rules

Whimsy demanded it, and though I am not prompt, I am obedient.

  1. There is no place in my life for hot lettuce.
  2. It is apparently either impossible or undesirable to make cheap candy that tastes like the fruit it claims to taste like. However, some fruity flavors are nonetheless delicious if you just don't worry about accuracy (lemon, orange, lime, cherry, grape). Some artificial fruit flavors are just gross (watermelon, banana, apple), and will not be tolerated.
  3. "Pumpkin-flavored" usually means "clove and nutmeg flavored." I am fine with that in many parts of my life. I am psychologically incapable of handling it in my beer. Please don't try to make me.
  4. Chicken salad can be made many ways. All of the good ways involve the addition of something vegetative and crunchy and sweet, generally sweet pickles (traditional) or grapes (fancy!).
  5. Given the choice between ice cream (or sherbet or sorbet) and almost any other food, I will choose ice cream. Given the choice between frozen yogurt and starving to death, I will think about it a long, long time.
  6. If you say "sherbert," I will not correct you, because in general, I don't believe in correcting adults on pronunciation, even if they're wrong. But it is still spelled "sherbet."
  7. Hey, while I'm not correcting you on your pronunciation of "sherbet," how 'bout you shut up on my pronunciation of "tomato." And while you're shutting up about that, do not ask if I also say "potahto." Because nobody says that, except that song.
  8. Putting a drink in a martini glass does not make it a martini. A martini has vodka or gin in it, and vermouth (or the aura of vermouth). It does not have chocolate syrup. It decidedly does not have Sour Apple Pucker schnapps, whatever the hell that is. See rule 2.
  9. Matzo ball soup properly has matzo balls, chicken, celery, carrots, onions, salt, pepper, and anything else you have in the refrigerator or cupboard that seems like it might go at all, to taste. I don't know what you think that bowl of weak broth with a matzo ball in it is, but it does not deserve the same name as anything made by Rhoda Sakowitz or me.
  10. Baked potatoes shall be scrubbed very thoroughly before baking, and then shall be consumed thus: Cut potato in half. Put one pat of butter (or the equivalent) on the plate. Using fork, empty potato insides onto plate. Put half of butter onto pile of potato insides, and one quarter in each half of skin. Add salt and pepper to pile and each skin-half. Eat pile, mushing (slightly) to ensure a little butter, salt, and pepper in each bite. Eat each skin-half as if it were a pita sandwich, delicately.
  11. Peanut butter sandwiches must be eaten with milk, regardless of what other fillings the sandwich contains.
Whimsy's rules are here. What are yours?

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