Lock and load

If you locked yourself out of your house, how would you proceed? Would you consult me? Yes? Well done.
As it happens, I have a little experience with this. In my experience you would:

Near Washington, D.C.:

• Realize you locked keys and phone in your apartment.
• Try to remember where a pay phone is in this day and age.
• Go to the one that you vaguely remember at the not-particularly-nearby convenience store.
• Discover that urine-smelling phone doesn't really work.
• Try phone next to it.
• Call your ex who still has a key to your apartment and leave a message you don't expect her to return saying you're locked out and need her key.
• Borrow phone book from the convenience store.
• Call locksmith, talk to answering service, explain that you don't have a callback number but will be waiting at your apartment.
• Wait at your apartment for more than an hour and a half, until your across-the-hall neighbor comes home.
• Introduce yourself to across-the-hall neighbor, who you've been living across from for three years.
• Ask to borrow her phone.
• Call locksmith back and learn that they won't come without a callback number.
• Express some frustration that this was not mentioned earlier.
• Give answering service your neighbor's number.
• Continue to wait outside until neighbor comes out to hand you her phone.
• Talk to locksmith.
• Get locksmith to let you in.
• Prove identity.
• Pay approximately $80.

In southwestern NH:

• Gasp, and feel glad your friend is there.
• Call AAA, just in case they'll send a locksmith, and to ask their advice on locksmiths if they won't.
• Call three locksmiths recommended by the very nice and sympathetic customer service rep at AAA.
• Leave messages for all three.
• Try every door forty times.
• Ask across-the-street neighbor, who you know well, to borrow a hammer.
• Laugh at his horrified expression and explain you just want it to remove a window from its hinge, not to smash stuff.
• Try to remove window from its hinge.
• Fail.
• Go to work, assuming locksmiths will call back soon.
• Look up other area locksmiths on the Internet.
• Call three more locksmiths.
  
• Go to dinner with your friend, assuming locksmiths will call back soon.
• Come home.
• Decide you can't bear to smash even a small window, because that's breaking the house you own, deliberately, but hand the hammer to your friend.
• Be impressed both at the strength of the window and at the strength of your friend.
• Return hammer to neighbor who does not at all say I-told-you-so.
• Tack cardboard up over the window.
• Never, ever get a return call from any of the six locksmiths.