Friday, January 2, 2009

Cold day in hell

I am brutally, miserably sick. It's just a bad cold, but I hate it.

You know what that means.

It means it's your job to entertain me.

Leave comments with jokes, links to hilarity on the internet, names of old TV shows I should be watching on hulu, whatever.



Funky Kim said...

What did the hamburgers name their daughter?

Patty. Heh.

PMJG said...

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked!

There's a lot of news out there you could catch up on. For example, did you know that they're armed to the teeth in South Dakota? And that unlike Santa, AIDS doesn't care whether you believe in it or not?

bzh said...

You know how when you're driving in your car and you happen upon one shoe lying in the middle of the road and you wonder how in the hell one shoe ends up in the middle of the road?
Makes you REALLY wonder about this, huh?

bzh said...

One of my favorite features in Esquire magazine is "A funny joke from a beautiful woman."
Figuring that both funny jokes and beautiful women might cheer you up today, here are a few of them.


Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
-- Rose McGowan


An old farmer and his wife are lying in bed. He leans over one night, touches her breast, and says, "If this thing could still give milk, we could get rid of the cow." She reaches over and grabs his member. "And if this thing could still get hard," she says, "we could get rid of the dog."
-- Kristin Chenoweth

A man wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs, he says to his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool of myself at the company party last night. Remind me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well, piss on him," says the man.
"You did. He fired you," replies his wife.
"Well, screw him!" the man screams.
"I did," says his wife. "You're back to work on Monday."
-- Piper Perabo


A guy walks into a bar with a priest, a minister, a rabbi, a Polish guy. and a duck. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
-- Joely Richardson


A blond goes into an electronics store and asks, "How much is this TV?" The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blonds." So she dyes her hair and comes back as a brunette. "How much is this TV?" she asks. Again the salesman says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to blonds." A few weeks later she goes in as a redhead, but again he announces, "We don't sell to blonds!" Finally she says, "My hair is red. How did you know I was really a blond?" The salesman says, "Because it's not a TV. It's a microwave."
-- Jennifer Esposito


A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!" So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."
-- Keri Russell

Joe said...

OK, BZH's shoe entry has inspired me to provide you with some completely juvenile entertainment while you're home on the couch. Try this game to pass the time. . .my personal best is 13 hits.

Anonymous said...

just a few things.

feel better.

Kate said...

At a party on NYE, my spouse asked another man if his wife was still nursing...I was absolutley shoocked he would ask that - and tried to figure out what on earth made him ask that. She is a pt ICU nurse at Cheshire Medical Center... who is the fool? Feel better

mike said...

I tried to send you a link to a YouTube clip of Gilda Radner and a giant talking carrot singing "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" (The Muppet Show, c. 1977), but YouTube said the clip had been removed "due to a terms of use violation." Obviously the late Ms. Radner didn't complain about anybody stalking or pestering her as a result of the clip, so it must have been the carrot. And, in lieu of the clip itself, I'll leave you to think about that.

pj said...

I don't know if you feel better (I do hope so!!) but I am having read all of that. thanks CMC friend/fams.
as an incentive to feel better please visit my fb prof to see the video I posted (not advanced enough to attach sorry. sean will let you use it next tues. at 6:00 or Thurs. at 7 pm if you think you will be up to it. :)
I sure hope you're feeling better!

Jennifer said...

Well, something on Hulu, hot chicks, and laughable tv - try Cleopatra 2525 A stripper, in the future, fighting alien robots - how can you beat that?

Amanda said...

What did the hat rack say to the hat?
You stay here and I'll go on ahead.

Brought to you by the comic minds and tough teeth at Laffy Taffy

Amanda said...

At a recent Al Franken rally, he led the crowd in this chant:
What do we want?
When do we want it?

Godspeed in feeling Al better.

bzzzzgrrrl said...

I have the greatest friends and readers in the universe. The funniest, anyway. For those of you who haven't gone through and clicked on all the links, go do it. I laughed out loud (at both the links and the jokes and stories here) many, many times. I defy any of you to remain unamused after clicking the "things" link in Anonymous's comment, or after reading Amanda's second comment.
At some point, I will have to start making some of you do guest posts.
Anyway, health update: I am better, but still not well. Feel free to continue to entertain me. You're all so good at it.