I am not quite ready to admit all my moral failings to everyone yet, but I want to post about them nonetheless. Let's see how that goes.
So, for a long time, I've been engaging in a pleasant but harmless activity. Let's say it's about the equivalent of writing this blog (it's not actually writing this blog). But I figured out how to do this activity in a sort of morally harmful way. Let's say it's the approximate equivalent of "writing" this blog, but plagiarizing every entry, almost without exception (it's not plagiarism, either).
And for the whole time I've been engaged in this activity, I have felt crappy about myself, every time. I like to think I'm pretty ethical, and this was strictly nonethical behavior. And it made me feel crummy, often. Also, I have never admitted to anyone that I've been doing it — until recently.
Recently, I told a close friend that I was doing the moral equivalent of plagiarizing this blog, and that I hated it, and that I didn't like myself for it, but that I didn't seem able to stop — I'd go to write a blog post, and then before I even gave myself a chance to do it right, I'd plagiarize it. I'd wanted to tell her about it for a while, but I was sure it would make her think less of me.
And it seems like it didn't. In fact, she pointed out to me that the easiest solution was to do the equivalent of not blogging anymore. And it had honestly never occurred to me before that there was a way out that was that easy. It was so simple, and I just quit the pleasant harmless activity cold turkey. And if I hadn't admitted it, I might not have stumbled on that very easy solution, maybe ever.
Day 27 of my month of gratitude: I am thankful there are easy answers to moral crises, sometimes, and I am thankful for the strength to seek the help I need to find them, sometimes.