Monday, July 16, 2012

Tips for not seeming super-creepy

One of many things that came up in the family was a long-ago internet episode that embarrassed two family members and a bunch of morris dancers. The theme of that story is "we don't always know how we're perceived by others."

In that vein, let's say you think you might like a person, but you don't know if she likes you.

Let's walk through some of the steps you might take in pursuing this friendship.

  1. Even though she is a complete stranger, introduce yourself in a flirtatious manner. [Hint: Stop here to evaluate response.]
  2. When her response is to shut down to the point of semi-open hostility, continue to chat and tease her about how quiet she is. [Hint: Stop. She is not interested.]
  3. If, over the course of weeks, you often see her with her friends, wait until they leave and then approach her when she is alone. [Hint: Stop. This is mildly creepy.]
  4. Suggest, on one of these approaches, that she should not have ordered food without you but should instead have ordered food that you can share. [Hint: Stop. This is creepier.]
  5. Ask where she lives. [Hint: Stop. Super creepy.]
  6. When she gives you a town name, ask for a street name. [Hint: Stop. You have taken what could have been a positive sign, that she did not resist your creepiness and instead gave you an answer, and took it to a new level of creepy rather than just holding off to see where it went.]
  7. Tell her where you live, explain that you have a farm with goats and chickens but not pigs anymore. Ask if she likes animals. [Hint: Stop. The farm business could have been innocent enough, but her guard is already up, and "do you like animals?" feels like there's something creepy behind it, even if there isn't.]
  8. When her friends come back, ask one of them if she thinks you have a chance with "the one in the white pants." [Hint: Stop. You have tipped the friend off to the fact that you are hitting on a woman whose name you don't know, and have been for a couple weeks. Creepy, regardless of the friend's response.]
  9. The friend says no, and explains that the woman you are hitting on is on a lesbian bowling team, and that the woman in question doesn't so much date men, and you are a man. [Hint: Stop. Seriously, dude, you are barking up the wrong tree, even if you weren't a creep.]
  10. Wait until the friend leaves, and then call the woman in question by name, and ask again where she lives. Push for increasing levels of specificity, down to the house number. [Hint: Stop. She does not date men, and she knows you didn't know her name 20 minutes ago, and you have absolutely, irrevocably passed the point at which she might have been even your friendly bowling alley acquaintance. At this point, you are kind of lucky she isn't calling the police.]


Mike said...

And it takes a lot to embarrass morris dancers.

bzzzzgrrrl said...

To be both fair and clear:
-I am not sure all the tellers of this story would agree the morris dancers were embarrassed. That may a little bit be me projecting, but Cousin Mouse can tell you the whole story and you can decide for yourself.
-This creepiness story is unrelated to the morris dance story except in theme. The morris dancers did not creepily hit on me in a bowling alley; that was someone else.

Fr. Mouse said...

The great thing about morris dancers is that if they creep up behind you, either to touch you with a handkerchief or to hit you with a stick, or a sword, you will already have been tipped off by the jingling of small bells. Their creepiness is thus limited.

Genny said...

This post and the comments are all just so awesome ... love it. :)