An open letter to Kevin B. at Wal-Mart

First, thank you so much for your help with my patio furniture last night. I am sorry that you had to leave your post in sporting goods to help me, but, as you said, it's as if they gave everyone in lawn and garden the same night off. I hope you did not lose too many ammunition sales. I was very grateful.

Second, I lied, and I was wrong. When you asked me, at 9 p.m., "You gonna put this together tomorrow?" and I said, "Yep," what I was thinking was, "Hell, no. I'm going to put this eight-piece set together tonight. I've been waiting weeks to get some patio furniture, and I'm not going to wait any longer. But I'm not going to tell you that, just because you sound so reasonable." Also, you kind of remind me of my friend Addicus, which may not have helped in this case. Addicus's plan would never have been the most reasonable.

Needless to say, you were so, so right. The only reasonable thing to consider doing was to wait until daylight, especially since my screwgun wasn't really charged, but I now have a sunroom full of plastic bags, styrofoam, and partially-put-together patio furniture. Your way would have been better. I'll finish up after work tonight.