See?

See how much better I am about posting when I have a theme, even posts that are not tied to the theme?

Yesterday, two people shared two stories with me about the town in which I now live.

There's this.

And also this.

You know, just another day in New Hampshire.

But I bowled a 161 last night.

(Seriously, that first story is very sad. But anyone who wants to engage me in discussion on the Free Staters? That may be what the comments here are for.)

31 Days of Secrets and Lies: Day 7

Someone's pregnant!

And it's not my sister anymore.

It's not me, either.

31 Days of Secrets and Lies: Day 6

If you click on every link in my blogrolls, take the first word of the most recent post (to this posting), and rearrange those words, you'll get a secret message from me!

31 Days of Secrets and Lies: Day 5

At the advice of webcomic xkcd's hovertext, I have tried to:

• go to any entry in Wikipedia,
• click on the first link that is neither italicized nor in parentheses in the main entry
• repeat

...and doing so, one does, in fact, get to "philosophy" eventually, most of the time.

The opposite

This is neither a secret nor a lie, but it felt like it needed saying: I am not a straight man posing as a queer woman for the sake of my blog.

Unlike some people.

Yes, people, plural.

31 Days of Secrets and Lies: Day 4

I had not heard of "The Book of Mormon" as a show until after it won a Tony, and so, when a Facebook friend posted "A Mormon just believes!" as her status while watching the Tony Awards, I Googled the phrase and found that it was from "The Book of Mormon." Which I naturally took to be the actual book, and took my friend to be a Mormon, and took the whole thing to be a little strange. I still do not know whether she is a Mormon.

31 Days of Secrets & Lies: Day 3

If you put chocolate and a marshmallow between two iPhones and engage the phones in an ongoing call for half an hour, you can create a very poorly conceived s'more.

31 Days of Secrets & Lies: Day 2

Tan M&Ms were pulled in 1995 when consumer groups expressed concern that the dye used contained excessive amounts of caffeine.

31 Days of Secrets & Lies: Day 1

The guy I stole this premise from was generally the person I was most interested in impressing intellectually for at least the first year of college, and occasionally still is.

Well, hey

So much for that experiment.

We'll try again with something new, starting smaller and more hilarious. Next post.

Sorry about the obscenely long break, again. It's been a nutso few months, chockablock full of stuff that I will and will not feel comfortable posting about. The job's crazy, I'm seeing a new chiropractor (professionally, not socially), I bowl a lot, I have a new nephew, I had a minor car accident. I don't know. Stuff. Life. You know, like we all have, and some of you still manage to blog around.

So, how've you been?

Finding comfort

It has occurred to me that I am not as regular a blogger as I like to be, even when I have a theme (like the week of extracting joy or the month of gratitude).

But I do better with a theme.

And so, inspired by Genny's 30 day remixes and jake, eh's whole blog, I have decided to do a "month of" something.

Jake, eh has just used it to unpack, because she moved. What a great idea, right? A box a day? I will say this about that:

• I moved three years ago
• I suspect I still have 30 boxes not yet unpacked
• I still have not found my favorite comforter.

So, here's the plan:

• Today, tomorrow, and Saturday, I will clean up a little to enable unpacking boxes as an actual possibility. If anything hilarious happens, I will let you all know.
• Starting Sunday, I will unpack a box a day for 27 days, in the interest of finding that damn comforter, and I will share with you one entertaining story or item from each day's escapades.
• When the comforter is found, someone will get a prize of some kind.
  
• If at any point I run out of boxes or appear about to run out of boxes, there will be bonus posts to make up for them.

April

Oh, for crying out loud.

Replaying

After some reflection, a few things occur to me about Thursday night:

Thing 1: Several people have described what I did as "cooking for" the possum, as if I'd made it a fancy dinner. In the moment, I was just making frozen chicken unfrozen. If I remembered that I had tuna, I'd have just opened a can of it. But, you know, panic.

Thing 2: My cousin rightly pointed out that I was lucky it didn't ransack my house. True. But also, you wouldn't really know it, because my possum-herding methods kind of did ransack the house. There's a broom on the floor, the furniture's all moved around, there are piles of couch cushions blocking the doorways, the recycling's in a heap on the kitchen floor from when I briefly decided to try to trap the possum in the recycling bin.

Thing 3: Several folks have been amused by my great possum-wrangling adventures. A few have said they would not have handled it as well as I did (they are kind, but lying; I know that any of them could have been at least as composed as I was). Only one has openly said that she would have been more composed than I. That, my friends, is what is commonly known as hubris. I will let you know when she has a creature trapped in her house, and how she does with it.

Thing 4 (possibly related): When I lived in the D.C. area, one night, my N.H.-dwelling parents were in the big city for a visit. And in front of an apartment building in Northwest D.C., my father and I saw a creature of some kind in the shadows. It was big, and four-legged, and scary. And I let out a little shriek. My dad was curious, but unbothered. At the time, I observed aloud that to country folk, a thing like that is "nature," where to city folk, it's more like "vermin." And today, as we were discussing it, my dad observed aloud, "I was wondering what it was. You were wondering what it was doing there." (For those of you also wondering what it was, my father's best guess is "large possum." My best guess is "wolverine.")

Thing 5: When I found the possum in my house, I screamed. Several times. Because I live in a free-standing house and don't have to keep it down. Except that as we discovered, the door to my house was wide open. I screamed and screamed with the door wide open, and no one called the police. Good to know.

Playing

I do not know how to tell this any better than in Facebook status and comments. I am changing names, but preserving my own (and everyone's) horrible panicked typing and confusing crosstalk. This thread starts after 11:30 p.m. my time, and at the same time for all but two of the participants, who are two or three hours behind.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: is suddenly VERY ALERT because there is a possum in my house somehow and I have no phone to call one of you and wake you up so you'll tell me what to do. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

[Friend 1]: hahah are you serious?? its in your house??!!

[bzzzzgrrrl]: It is in my house.

[Friend 1]: OMG.... hmmmmmm.. any of your neighbors awake??!!

[Friend 2, who is on a bowling team that will be in a league with mine]: Play possum.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: honestly, i am too freaked out to leave this room to find out.

[Friend 1]: hahaha [Friend 2] I dont think that was the answer she was looking for! ;)

[bzzzzgrrrl]: thank you [Friend 1] for your support. [Friend 2], i'll deal with you at the bowling alley.

[Friend 1]: You need to leave the room, go to a neighbors and call the towns animal control

[Friend 1]: at the suggestion of a friend whom I was IM with

[Friend 1]: or maybe the police?

[Friend 3]: we had one in the house and i opened the front door and scared him out with a broom.

[Friend 3]: picking him up didn't go well...

[bzzzzgrrrl]: ok, folks, update:
the door from the house to the garage is wide open. we presumably now know how it got in. i can't currently hear it, and so am hopeful it let itself out the same way after i shrieked at it. Off to inspect the house to double-check.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: AAh! [Friend 3], there will be NO attempts to pick this one up.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: Possum has not left the house, but is now confined-ish to open spaces. I have shut all the doors to rooms that have doors that shut while the possum chills out in the kitchen. Blocking the door that contains the broom. Will try to convince it to leave out the garage door without a broom.

[Friend 4]: IN?!!! Ugh!!

[bzzzzgrrrl]: and now it has hunkered down in what seems like the safest corner in the house, i'm sure, as there is no way for me to get anywhere near it. not really excited about leaving an outside door open all night; also not really excited about shutting a possum into my house. neighbors are, in fact, asleep.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: Awesome and helpful information from the internet: Opossums breed between January and July. If you trap opossums during these months, chances are high that babies may still be in the area. Opossums have as many as 25 babies, which are carried in the mother's pouch when first born.

[Friend 5]: possums scare me !!!!! they seem prehistoric and unpredictable

[Cousin Mouse]: oh, dear

[Cousin Mouse]: I imagine the problem with possoms is that trying to push or frighten them away only makes them stay where they are.

[Cousin Mouse]: entice with food?

[bzzzzgrrrl]: that is exactly the problem, [Cousin Mouse]. but i had the same thought. have thrown a piece of frozen chicken on the foreman (would have just thawed in the microwave, but that would mean further cornering the possum), and will put it out in the garage when it's a little less frozen.

[Cousin Mouse]: got a large box? put chicken in box, box in kitchen, trip possom, carry out.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: more (actually) helpful (rather than freaky) from the internet: According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, the best way to deal with an opossum that wanders into your home is to "...stay calm, close surrounding interior doors, leave the room, and let the animal find its own way out through the pet door or an open door or window." Opossums are usually not a threat to you or your pets, as they prefer to avoid conflict. They are extremely resistant to rabies, despite common fears.

[Cousin Mouse]: trap possom, ,not trip

[bzzzzgrrrl]: sadly, the boxes are where the broom is: in the basement. the possum has decided the corner in front of the basement door is home base.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: but your plan is DEFINITELY better than mine

[Cousin Mouse]: Isn't there a door to the outside right there?

[Cousin 2]: Sending positive thoughts your way, and get-out-of-Lucy's-house thoughts in the direction of the possum! At least he/she isn't freaking out and trashing the place.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: yes, but there's still a foot of snow in front of it, and it opens out.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: yes, [Cousin 2], and for that i am VERY grateful.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: ‎(just had a vision of me trying to trip a possum. hee.)

[Cousin Mouse]: so, which door can you open? The other door onto the deck?

[bzzzzgrrrl]: nope. no doors onto the deck. the door into the garage is open, with a plate of semi-cooked chicken in front of it, and the door from the garage to the outside is also open.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: methinks i hear a possum on the move.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: there's scampering.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: but no leaving, so far.

[Cousin Mouse]: can you see it, or just hear it?

[Friend 6]: Get the camera! I hear America's Funniest Home Videos calling!!

[bzzzzgrrrl]: i have seen it, just heard it for a bit, have now re-spotted it. it has found a new corner it likes better than partially-cooked chicken, in the living room, which means i at least now have access to boxes and a broom

[Cousin Mouse]: ah, ok. And speaking of videos: tp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6LdouiW9JI

[Friend 7]: A watched pot never boils.

[Cousin Mouse]: note how the possom goes in entirely the different direction than the humans atttempt to move it.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: Yeah, [Friend 7], I should probably just go to bed and forget it :)

[bzzzzgrrrl]: Crap. Lost it.

[Cousin Mouse]: Lost it?

[Cousin Mouse]: I gotta do something, I'll check back in a few.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: Refound it; new corner. And thanks to some brilliant thinking by [Friend 6], I have constructed couch-cushion barriers, pretty much trapping it in the living room/entry way area, so it can stay where it is or go into the garage for delicious chicken, but can't get into the rest of the house.

[Friend 6]: [Cousin Mouse], just watched your video. Great!!

[Cousin Mouse]: [bzzzzgrrrl] - well, sounds like it is contained at least. Good luck with this - I'll check back in the morning.

[bzzzzgrrrl]: I did not actually see the possum leave, but did find a possum eating the chicken in the garage, and shut the garage door. We are going to assume that it was the same possum, rather than a friend. GAH. Thanks, all, for your kind support and suggestions.

[Friend 6]: Good! Will talk to you soon. Are you sleeping with your bedroom door closed tonight? :)

[bzzzzgrrrl]: Sleeping? Right.

My sister needs help with the groceries

Today, Whimsy has the best idea for a post/comment prompt ever.

You should go read it, and comment. As a special treat, if you do, you will see a bonus story from me in the comments. You may see several. I may go back and post dozens more stories; I like it that much.

Inspiring

I realize I'm (again) in danger of turning this into a blog about TV and weather, but really, we've had a zillion inches of snow up here. There's nothing else to talk about.

Now Netflix thinks I might want to watch "Inspiring Movies." I can only assume this is because I watched The Aggressives on demand twice in two days. (Side note: If you've seen The Aggressives and want to discuss it, let me know. I very much want to discuss it.)

It has a list of 50, in fact, to recommend to me. Here are the top 16:

• Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild
• Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself
• 3 Ninjas: Kick Back
• Knucklehead
• Pay It Forward
• Free Willy 4: Escape from Pirate's Cove
• Racing Stripes
• The Pianist
• More Than a Game
• Saints and Soldiers
• Here on Earth
• Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price
• Bring It On Again
• Forever Strong
• La Bamba
• Over the Top

Um, what?

Brrrr...

This is for friend and frequent commenter Joe, who said "I want the occasional fall/early winter weather report from New England. ... Describe your surroundings as part of your posts, whether it's the joy you get from the changing hues of the leaves, or the pissah that it is to shovel snow before Thanksgiving."

Now, he said that back in early November, but we are still just a month into winter, so here's your thousand words:




Yes, folks, that's 24 degrees below zero.

Kate Gosselin = Murphy Brown + Maude + Liz Lemon, all in one!

People from warmer places may not know that it can get too cold to snow. But it does. And we've been in a cycle up here: snowing a lot, really cold, snowing a lot, really cold... you get the pattern.

The result is obviously me watching a lot of crappy TV via Netflix.

Netflix's weirdness in recommendations is well-documented, but lately, it's decided I would like "Reality TV Featuring a Strong Female Lead."

How do you suppose Netflix defines that?

In order (with my descriptions and comment in italics):

• "Say Yes to the Dress" (Season 5) A show about young brides to be blowing all the money in the universe on a dress they will wear once, often arguing with their mothers, sisters, and best friends about it. The image on the cover is of a man holding a dress. Go sisterhood!
• "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (Season 3) I have neither seen this show nor heard a lot of chatter about it, so maybe I shouldn't judge, but it's about Paris Hilton's ex-friend (or makeup artist?) and her sisters, right? Who are pretty and also Bruce Jenner's stepdaughters? Or something?
  
• "Laguna Beach" (Season 1) Rich seemingly fake high school kids are mean to each other, except it's sort of reality, somehow.
  
• "The Hills" (Season 1) The same rich seemingly fake kids get jobs, ish, and continue to be mean.
  
• "Meerkat Manor" (Season 1) My understanding is that this show is literally about meerkats. I guess this is why they say "strong female lead" and not "strong woman lead."
• "Jon & Kate Plus Ei8ht" (Seasons 1 and 2) Unlike many people, I do not judge Jon & Kate for having a lot of children. I do judge them for being unpleasant, and I judge TLC for using an 8 in place of a g.
• "Curl Girls" Lesbian surfers. This is literally the only show on this list I might watch. Oh, who are we kidding? I absolutely will watch this.
• "Transamerican Love Story" Every elimination dating reality show, with a twist! Phenomenal transwoman Calpurnia Adams is the bachelorette! I will not watch this just because I want to keep loving Calpurnia. Also, spellcheck does not recognize "transwoman," "Calpurnia," or "bachelorette."
• "First Comes Love" Every plan-a-wedding-fast reality show, with a twist! The couples are the same sex as each other! Which means, presumably, not every episode even has a woman in it.

What are you watching to stay warm?

Things I have learned from watching arguably too much Super Nanny

1. Super Nanny's advice is approximately the same for every family. It's good advice, but I do not know who submits tapes to be on that show, since you could just do what you know Super Nanny would tell you to do, without being on TV as a bad parent.
2. Super Nanny is clearly not a mandated reporter, because there are many families on this show who are just struggling, but there are more than you'd think where there's clear abuse or neglect going on. On television.
3. Many of the children featured on this show have really stupid names. I will not give you examples, because your kids may also have these same stupid names, and I don't want to offend you, but you should watch a couple of episodes, because even if the kids in one episode have the same stupid names you gave your own kids, the kids in the other one will have different ones, and you'll see what I mean. I am unclear whether there is a correlation between being a bad parent and giving your kids stupid names, or a correlation between wanting to be on reality TV and giving your kids stupid names, or both.
4. Gay parents do not go on Super Nanny. I am unclear whether there is an inverse correlation between being a bad parent and being a gay parent, or an inverse correlation between wanting to be on reality TV and being a gay parent, or both.
5. Nonetheless, this show is like Pringles to me.
6. HuluPlus, though awful and obnoxious, is still dangerous.
   

Counting cards

Know what this is?




That, my friends, is my awesome 2011. Can't. Wait. (And don't have to!)

[I was going to end it there, but I can't stand to. What are your plans for 2011? What three things are going to happen for you this year?]