Words routinely misused by people I know

Now, now. If you see yourself here, don't worry, don't apologize, don't even admit it. Just know.

• It's. This only means "it is." It doesn't ever mean "belonging to it." Many people, including me, slip on this occasionally. One person of my acquaintance misuses it always.
• Lightening. The word you're looking for is "lightning." No "e." "Lightening" is a real word, but that's not what you mean.
• Lead. It's pronounced like "leed" when you're using it as a verb. Its past tense is "led." Go check your résumé right now.
• Jive. Our opinions don't "jive" with each other; they "jibe" with each other.

OK, I'll admit it. There were two words on this list that, when I went to double check, I was wrong-ish about, and therefore had to cut. So now it's a pretty short list. What do you see in your acquaintances? Or in, God forbid, me?

Brrrrr

I'm just sayin'.

Captcha'd

Sorry, gang; I've been getting a ton of comment spam lately, and so have had to add word verification to the comment process.
It's not a great solution; it feels ableist to me (and annoying to frequent reader Lisa), but I couldn't think of another way to allow anonymous comments and instant comments and kill all that spam. If anyone has a better way that works with Blogger, let me know. You know, assuming you can get past the word verification.

Classy

Reasons writing a paper now is so much easier than it was 20 years ago:

1. There's information on the internet.
2. My friends actually know stuff. And people. In some cases, they are actually experts.
3. There are citation generators on the internet. Holy cow.
   
4. My house is quiet and empty, with literally no drunk people in the hallway and no one watching 90210 in my suite.
5. I've been a professional writer for six or seven years.
6. I was a professional writer about the subject of the class at least some of that time.
   
7. I have actually done (most of) the reading for the class.
8. If I get bored or weary, my inclination is to blog or go for a short walk, rather than to go to the end of the New Jersey Transit line without checking to see if there's even a train back or start self-publishing the most amazing, totally definitive 'zine ever and distributing it.
9. The presentation that has to come from this paper will be at least partly copied-and-pasted, and will not involve any last-minute runs to the bookstore for markers and extra posterboard.
10. My computer weighs less than 20 pounds, and is therefore practical to carry around with me. Also, I don't need to keep four different disks with me if I want to write a paper and e-mail it to my professor.
    

Pretty crafty

I think this year is going to be a mostly handmade Christmas for me, gift-wise.
There are lots of good reasons to go handmade. Depending on how you do it, it can be:

• cheaper
• more sustainable
• sweeter
• higher quality
• more heirloomy
• less annoying to shop for
  

I have need for several of those things this year, so I'll be making some gifts, and buying some handmade gifts (and probably at some point breaking down and buying something not handmade, too, but not yet).

In case you, my friends from the internet, have similar needs, I thought I'd share a list of my favorite craftspeople. This starter list consists exclusively of people I know personally, whose wares I have also bought and can therefore vouch for.

• GH Books
• Polka Dot Cottage
• Fiber of Her Being (note: To be fair, I am not totally sure she's taking new orders. But check out her site anyway. See pictures of me!)

Please, if you have favorite craftspeople, or make great handmade stuff yourself, leave us a link in the comments. Seriously. This is no time for modesty. The Holidays are coming.

Thanksgiving Day parade

"Hey, bzzzzgrrrl!" you say. "Happy Thanksgiving! How's it going?"

Well, medium. Eventful.
So far today, I have:

• Done a bunch of laundry.
• Peeled ten pounds of potatoes and wondered if that's too much or too little for 17 people.
• Started to make mashed potatoes.
• Realized I don't own a potato masher, and that when I try to use an electric mixer, it usually results in gluey potatoes.
• Gone to Walmart and had a delightful conversation with Walmart employee Gary, who knows way more about potato mashers than you would think, and helped me choose the right one for my family's lump preferences.
• Observed that Walmart is emptier than I've ever seen it, but the employees are friendlier, and wondered if there's a causal relationship.
• Decided to pop in a movie as I continued Thanksgiving preparation and discovered the latest Netflix selection is a documentary about Hitler's secretary.
• Watched two Charlie Brown Thanksgiving specials.
• Laughed at the pilgrim explorers in Provincetown in one of said specials as they observe: "Six Indians and a dog! Put down your muskets; let's see if they'll talk. Let's walk slowly toward them. Smile; show them we don't want to harm them. Oh, no! They're running away! They must be afraid. Quick, we must chase after them!" Yeah, nothing assuages my fears like guys with muskets chasing after me.
• Finished making mashed potatoes.
• Tasted mashed potatoes. Delicious.
• Observed that I seem to have another effing plumbing problem, if you can believe it.
• Given up on packing, because obviously I am not sleeping anywhere but here, because I have another effing plumbing problem.
• Had a little beef stroganoff for lunch.
• Thought a lot about Thanksgivings past, spent in meetings and at concerts, with family of origin and family of choice, in D.C. and Groton, Massachusetts and Jaffrey, New Hampshire and Lake Placid, New York.
• Missed a bunch of people but felt very blessed*.
  

But thanks for asking. You?


*Aside from the effing plumbing

Food rules: Holiday edition

After my first Food Rules post, it was brought to my attention that I also have some fairly significant traditions around what I eat on holidays.
Mind you, I am not inflexible; if I'm not with my family for a holiday, for example, I can go with the flow and have a burger on the Fourth of July. But we have our traditions, and we adhere to them when we can, some more rigidly than others.
So, then, in case you are by now desperate to know what I eat on the Fourth of July if not a burger:

Thanksgiving:

• Mixed nuts
• Celery sticks with peanut butter and mayonnaise and raisins
• Little glasses of cranberry juice and lemon sherbet
• Turkey
• Mashed potatoes
• Stuffing (in the bird for regular people, and out of the bird for my cousin, who finds the in-bird stuff gross)
• Gravy
• Acorn squash
• Creamed onions
• Salad
• Pecan pie
• Apple pie
• Mince pie
• Pumpkin pie
• Whipped cream for pie
• Cheddar cheese
• Coffee (also with whipped cream, for those who desire it)
• After Eights mints
  

The day after Thanksgiving:

• Pie for breakfast (and, therefore discussion of who will eat which pie, as my sister dislikes apple, and some people think mince isn't for breakfast)
• Soup and/or sandwich for lunch, at the Monadnock Music craft fair

St. Lucy's Day:

• Some kind of baked good, and some kind of hot beverage*

Christmas:

• Goose
• Stuffing
• Brussels sprouts
• Mashed potatoes
• Roast beef (if my uncle is there)
• Yorkshire pudding (if my uncle is there to make it)
• Salad
• Plum pudding, lit (for those who don't mind dessert made of beef fat and dried fruit and liquor)
• Chocolate cake (for those who do)
  

The day after Christmas:

• Leftover goose, in hunks, with fingers**
• Cheddar cheese, ditto**
• Oranges**
  

New Year's Eve:

• Champagne
• Water crackers with cream cheese and caviar

New Year's Day:

• Black-eyed peas***
• Greens***

Palm Sunday:

• Hot cross buns for breakfast (not homemade)

Easter:

• Lamb****

Fourth of July:

• Ice cream (midday, at the ice cream social in town)
• Salmon
• Peas
• Strawberries (generally in shortcake)

October 31:

• Sara Lee black forest cake for dessert*****

So, what about you? Any inviolable holiday traditions? Any of mine you Just. Can't. Believe?!?!?


*Served by me to whoever else is in the house, in bed, wearing some variation of white dress, red sash, wreath of lighted candles on my head.
** These and other snacks historically consumed in the car, on the way to Washington, D.C.
*** I am actually the only member of my family who does this, and I have only been doing it since 1994, when I lived with a bunch of Southerners.
**** Due to the fact that my parents are clergy, and therefore exhausted by Easter, and due to the fact that I didn't eat red meat for 17 years, there have been many Easters when we went out to dinner. Nonetheless, those who could often ate lamb, and when we do cook at home, it's always lamb.
***** This has nothing to do with Halloween. It has to do with October 31 being my baptismal anniversary, and me therefore getting to choose dessert. And Sara Lee hasn't made black forest cake in about 25 years, but when they did, that is what I chose, invariably.

True story

I just went out for Chinese food with a friend. And at the end of the meal, obviously, we got fortune cookies.

Weird thing #1: We got the same fortune.

Weird thing #2: It said this:

Lookin' good

OK, so I am an utter failure at blogging every other day.
What that means, of course, is that I will blog about any damn thing that comes into my head, and also leave a bunch of half-finished posts in the "drafts" folder.

What should I wear tomorrow? It's supposed to be 60 and sunny. Please elaborate in your response for the sake of other readers whether you have ever seen me before, and whether you have ever seen me wearing anything like the outfit you describe.

Lock and load

If you locked yourself out of your house, how would you proceed? Would you consult me? Yes? Well done.
As it happens, I have a little experience with this. In my experience you would:

Near Washington, D.C.:

• Realize you locked keys and phone in your apartment.
• Try to remember where a pay phone is in this day and age.
• Go to the one that you vaguely remember at the not-particularly-nearby convenience store.
• Discover that urine-smelling phone doesn't really work.
• Try phone next to it.
• Call your ex who still has a key to your apartment and leave a message you don't expect her to return saying you're locked out and need her key.
• Borrow phone book from the convenience store.
• Call locksmith, talk to answering service, explain that you don't have a callback number but will be waiting at your apartment.
• Wait at your apartment for more than an hour and a half, until your across-the-hall neighbor comes home.
• Introduce yourself to across-the-hall neighbor, who you've been living across from for three years.
• Ask to borrow her phone.
• Call locksmith back and learn that they won't come without a callback number.
• Express some frustration that this was not mentioned earlier.
• Give answering service your neighbor's number.
• Continue to wait outside until neighbor comes out to hand you her phone.
• Talk to locksmith.
• Get locksmith to let you in.
• Prove identity.
• Pay approximately $80.

In southwestern NH:

• Gasp, and feel glad your friend is there.
• Call AAA, just in case they'll send a locksmith, and to ask their advice on locksmiths if they won't.
• Call three locksmiths recommended by the very nice and sympathetic customer service rep at AAA.
• Leave messages for all three.
• Try every door forty times.
• Ask across-the-street neighbor, who you know well, to borrow a hammer.
• Laugh at his horrified expression and explain you just want it to remove a window from its hinge, not to smash stuff.
• Try to remove window from its hinge.
• Fail.
• Go to work, assuming locksmiths will call back soon.
• Look up other area locksmiths on the Internet.
• Call three more locksmiths.
  
• Go to dinner with your friend, assuming locksmiths will call back soon.
• Come home.
• Decide you can't bear to smash even a small window, because that's breaking the house you own, deliberately, but hand the hammer to your friend.
• Be impressed both at the strength of the window and at the strength of your friend.
• Return hammer to neighbor who does not at all say I-told-you-so.
• Tack cardboard up over the window.
• Never, ever get a return call from any of the six locksmiths.

Food (and drink!) rules

Whimsy demanded it, and though I am not prompt, I am obedient.

1. There is no place in my life for hot lettuce.
2. It is apparently either impossible or undesirable to make cheap candy that tastes like the fruit it claims to taste like. However, some fruity flavors are nonetheless delicious if you just don't worry about accuracy (lemon, orange, lime, cherry, grape). Some artificial fruit flavors are just gross (watermelon, banana, apple), and will not be tolerated.
3. "Pumpkin-flavored" usually means "clove and nutmeg flavored." I am fine with that in many parts of my life. I am psychologically incapable of handling it in my beer. Please don't try to make me.
4. Chicken salad can be made many ways. All of the good ways involve the addition of something vegetative and crunchy and sweet, generally sweet pickles (traditional) or grapes (fancy!).
5. Given the choice between ice cream (or sherbet or sorbet) and almost any other food, I will choose ice cream. Given the choice between frozen yogurt and starving to death, I will think about it a long, long time.
   
6. If you say "sherbert," I will not correct you, because in general, I don't believe in correcting adults on pronunciation, even if they're wrong. But it is still spelled "sherbet."
7. Hey, while I'm not correcting you on your pronunciation of "sherbet," how 'bout you shut up on my pronunciation of "tomato." And while you're shutting up about that, do not ask if I also say "potahto." Because nobody says that, except that song.
8. Putting a drink in a martini glass does not make it a martini. A martini has vodka or gin in it, and vermouth (or the aura of vermouth). It does not have chocolate syrup. It decidedly does not have Sour Apple Pucker schnapps, whatever the hell that is. See rule 2.
9. Matzo ball soup properly has matzo balls, chicken, celery, carrots, onions, salt, pepper, and anything else you have in the refrigerator or cupboard that seems like it might go at all, to taste. I don't know what you think that bowl of weak broth with a matzo ball in it is, but it does not deserve the same name as anything made by Rhoda Sakowitz or me.
10. Baked potatoes shall be scrubbed very thoroughly before baking, and then shall be consumed thus: Cut potato in half. Put one pat of butter (or the equivalent) on the plate. Using fork, empty potato insides onto plate. Put half of butter onto pile of potato insides, and one quarter in each half of skin. Add salt and pepper to pile and each skin-half. Eat pile, mushing (slightly) to ensure a little butter, salt, and pepper in each bite. Eat each skin-half as if it were a pita sandwich, delicately.
11. Peanut butter sandwiches must be eaten with milk, regardless of what other fillings the sandwich contains.
    

Whimsy's rules are here. What are yours?

Hey, remember that time when I had a blog I updated semi-regularly?

Me too.

I also observe that a bunch of the cool-kid bloggers I read have done some kind of observationy listy round-up post. I could do the same.

• Hey, you know what a bunch of bloggers I read also have in common? Some kind of alcoholic beverage in their banners.
• Several movies I've watched recently take place partly or entirely in India. Of those, 100 percent feature at least one scene filmed in front of the Taj Mahal. Easily 75 percent of what I know about the Taj Mahal comes from tour guides in these scenes.
• I had an amazing weekend at camp with a bunch of women friends and their women friends. I really, really enjoyed myself. So did most of the rest of my gang. The person who seemed most obviously to be having a good time has been most vocal about having had a miserable time. Luckily, she does not have a blog. But if you're a woman, you should totes come with us next year, because it was awesome.
• One of my favorite things about Women's Weekend is that I like trying stuff I wouldn't ordinarily do (out of fear, lack of opportunity, whatever). Sometimes, the end result of that is wounds that are only mostly healed four weeks later. And sometimes, it is a not-quite recognizable charcoal drawing of a ladle.
• I also spent another recent weekend in New York, with a fun friend I couldn't get to go to Women's Weekend with me, but who had tickets to a bunch of events at the New Yorker Festival, including an extra ticket for me to see Rachel Maddow interviewed by Ariel Levy. Awesome.
• Saturday night of that weekend, I stayed home at her apartment and watched practically everything on her TiVo, and also watched Saturday Night Live. James Franco made a cameo-y guest appearance, which is odd, because my friend was out at a 10 p.m. event, featuring James Franco. That young man must have had a very busy evening.
• The best thing about the DVD of the documentary Helvetica is the special features, which is pretty much another two hours of interviews with the same people they interviewed for the film, but the juicy stuff is in the special features. The worst thing is that is makes you hyperaware of strange uses of Helvetica, including in all the publicity materials for the New Yorker Festival.
  
• Part of why I have not yet seen The 40-Year-Old-Virgin is that I am afraid I will hate it, and so far, I have loved everything I have ever seen Steve Carrell in. That one just seems like the kind of thing I would hate.
• Speaking (kind of) of The Office, have you all seen "Subtle Sexuality" yet? I could embed the video, but I'm not going to, because the video is only part of the magic that is their online presence, so I will let you go check that site out yourself.
• I'll make a deal with you people, OK? If every time you read something that really entertains you here on CMC, you'll pass it on to one person you think would be similarly entertained by it, I will post at least once every other day in November.
  

On to more serious matters...

OMG you guys.

It seems that I have been so busy freaking out about what to wear for Halloween that I have completely forgotten to freak out about what to wear to my 20th high school reunion on Saturday.

So, please help.

I am open to suggestions for reunion, Halloween, or both (but please identify which you're giving, to avoid later embarrassment). If it matters, this is the venue for the reunion (which is more urgent, if not more important). Don't make me resort to Yahoo! Answers.

A day late

Yesterday was a big day for us American queers. National Coming Out Day, the big march.

To the best of my knowledge, I spent the whole day not communicating with any other queers in any way. I looked at the pictures of the march and wished I was there. I thought about calling one of my closest queer friends, not out of solidarity, but because we hadn't chatted in a while. I looked at someone cute at an online dating site, but shyly did not make the first move. I did not come out to anyone, which is actually unusual for me, because as someone who can pass but chooses not to, I come out in some small way almost every day, especially in the last year.

So here it is, a little belated, and I'm coming out to you people, who pretty much already know, right? I'm a big queer. If you didn't know, hi! Welcome to City Mouse Country!

Here are my invitations to you today:

• Come out in the comments. As whatever you are — if you're straight, do it to remind all of us that straight is not the default. If you're queer, show the other queers we're not alone. If you're genderqueer or trans, please tell us. If you're questioning your place in the world, let us know that. If you hate labels and have a whole thing prepared on that subject, go for it. I've got time and space. Do it anonymously, if you must, but ask yourself why you must, what you're hiding from.
• Come out to someone in your real life. See above.
• Ask some questions about queerness generally, or about my queerness, specifically, in the comments. I cannot promise that I know all the answers, but I can promise that I know a lot of great resources on the Internet that I can steer you to. Ask goofy questions, dirty ones, ones you are worried might seem bigoted. Again, ask anonymously if you feel you must, but I can almost promise me you will not ask anything more horrifying than the things I've been asked in the past. No, that is not a dare.
• Tell us what you can/will/do do to make LGBTQ folks less scared, to come out, to be out*. Tell us how you will help make Coming Out Day seem weird and quaint to the generations ahead of us.

Obviously, you don't have to do all of that. But I'd love it if you'd do what you can.

Oh, also, here's this. It's one of my favorite things about outness, and it's been taken down, and I hope that link to the cached version still works.




* Some of my well-meaning straight liberal friends will not totally know what I mean. I have been an out queer for about 17 years, have never been directly physically threatened with violence because of my orientation, and yet in each of my last two relationships, I have thought of Matthew Shepard and hesitated to kiss the person I was dating in semi-public, out of fear. I have feared for my own safety, and in my last relationship, feared deeply and often for my significant other's. I have had guests who were queer harassed by my police-officer-neighbor for kissing in their car. That is what it is (so far, still) like.

A public service announcement for those of you who are not having trouble with Facebook

I am.

I am not the only one, either.

I went away last weekend (ironically setting my Facebook status to something like "[bzzzzgrrrl] will be offline for a few days. Don't panic."), and when I got back, I started getting an error message when I tried to log into Facebook:

"Your account is temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance. It should be available again within a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience."

That persisted for several days.

Staring yesterday, I started getting messages from my friends (no, I am not picking on you; I got nearly identical e-mails and IMs from several people who are all apparently worried about either me or the status of our friendships):

"You're not available on FB any more!!! Did you unfriend me?"

Starting this morning, attempts to log into Facebook were met with a longer error message:

"Sorry, due to site maintenance your account is unavailable at this time.

"We are currently experiencing an extended site maintenance issue that is preventing some users from accessing their accounts or Pages they may administer. Rest assured that your account has not been deleted or compromised. Your original account will be restored as soon as possible so there is no need to create a new one. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience you've encountered while attempting to log in to Facebook during this time.

"You can stay updated with the progress of this bug by visiting the Help Center."

So, now you know about as much as I do it. It's apparently affecting lots and lots of irritable people, but not everyone, and as far as I can tell, no one else I know, but scads of people who use Yahoo! Answers. Your takeaways:

• No, I did not unfriend you.
• If you are one of my several new friends, I am not avoiding being your friend.
• If you have other friends who have mysteriously disappeared from Facebook, they are probably in the same boat I am.
• Just because I am hooked on Facebook and miss it so so so so much doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

Hey

Hey, would you do me a favor?
Go read this very long and possibly disturbing/triggering thing, and then come back here and tell me what you think.
If you feel compelled to comment over on her blog, go ahead, but then come back here and tell us what you wrote. Do it anonymously if you feel like it.
If you want to have exactly the experience I just had, read it while listening to the Beth Orton alternative version of "Ooh Child." But I am pretty sure that is not necessary.

Deadly

If you're like my friend bzh, you might think this is the greatest infographic ever. And, fair enough. It's funny and informative, and I am in favor of both.

But I think it reaches its full awesome potential if you look at each map once, just focusing on New Hampshire. And then go through again, looking just at the D.C. area.

I'm just sayin'.

Closed

For the first time ever, I need to close comments on a post. No, it's not something you did. Well, maybe, if you're an Asian spammer. If you have something more to say on the subject originally discussed in that post, or something to say about Asian spammers, you may comment here.
Asian spammers, go away. In fact, all spammers, go away.

Reflections on having to ask a coworker to drive me home in the middle of a weekday afternoon so I can change into jeans and pop a couple of Advil

Remember this bit, from the pilot episode of Seinfeld?

[VIDEO REMOVED; see update below.]

You know who makes jokes like the one that starts at about the 1:04 mark?

Male comedians.

[UPDATE 8/3/10: Apparently, that video has been removed by the user. This one's shorter, and only contains the joke in question.]

Felix to my Oscar, and also vice versa

A million years ago, I asked for your requests. I'd planned for my next one to be a food rant, per whimsy's request. I even planned to beat her to the punch. But then she did her own food rules, so I won't beat her. I may as well do another one that comes more naturally right this minute, also from whimsy:

... please do give details about the roommate. Roommates are intensely blog-worthy.

Sure.
The roommate, or TR as he's been called elsewhere here (I swear, I'll wrap that story up) is one of my very dearest friends. When I used to go to Lake Placid? That was to see TR. We've known each other at least somewhat since 1993, been close friends since a few years after that. We have seen each other through lots of crap, TR and I, and I love him very much.

But I suck at living with people now. I have lived alone for so long that I seem to have kind of a few control issues about my space. TR's old roommate from Lake Placid (who we will call DS) (the D is for Dreamy) came to visit a few weeks back, and before TR got home from work, DS and I had a beer on the deck.
"Will you miss having TR as a roommate?" he asked.
"Nope," I said, too fast. I quickly amended that: "I mean, I'll miss having him around, like I always do. But I won't miss having someone else living here."
DS made the next leap even quicker than I would have: "What if you someday get involved with someone?"
I went on at some length about how that wasn't going to be the same, if it ever happened, because there'd be some incentive to make living together work. With TR, there's just incentive to keep the friendship alive through five weeks. (It did not occur to me until much later, and by "much later," I mean, "yesterday," that maybe the actual answer is that I can't live with someone I'm involved with and I just don't know it because I haven't tried yet.)

And alive the friendship has remained, even through last week, when we had a million houseguests (and by "houseguests," I mean "members of my extended family") for a whole week.

Here's the kind of guy TR is:

• When my city-dwelling houseguests (see above) locked him out, and he came home at 3 in the morning, rather than disrupt my (or their) sleep by calling to be let in, he slept in his car.
• When I bought ingredients to make Lisa's meatballs so we could eat them together and then forgot about it until the last night he was going to be here, he agreed to spend his last night in town as a meatball guinea pig. (I'll let you know how they are after we eat 'em.)
  
• When he was looking for activity to procrastinate packing, knowing that he was leaving town, he did not spend that procrastinatey time on the Internet or watching Star Trek. He spent it making home repairs to my house.

Love that guy.