Pro Fashion Tip

Privately, I am superjudgmental about fashion. You should not bother trying to impress me, because my opinions are as firm as they are illogical, which is why I rarely share them out loud and also why I ask for advice so frequently.

Publicly, I do not think my judgments of what other people wear matter much, as long as they are happy with how they're dressed.

But sometimes, I just can't imagine people would be happy with how they're dressed. That's where this excellent advice — from an actual blogger with a "getting dressed" label on some of her posts — comes in handy.

COLLEGE WOMEN OF NEW HAMPSHIRE*: You cannot wear both that short fullish skirt and that bookbag-sized backpack. The backpack makes the skirt ride up and I can see your underpants or the part of your tights that is covering your butt. I am not exaggerating.  I have seen your butt. You need to either ditch the backpack or wear pants — or maybe a longer skirt. You could also get one of those 90s teensy backpacks, though I will admit I never really saw the point. I know your skirt is all the way past your mid-thighs in the front, but in the back, people you would like to date you and/or employ you and/or give you a passing grade can see your butt. For real.







*And also anyone else who wears a backpack with a short skirt.

"Wide calf" is a lie.

I do have more pressing things to share, both political and fashionable, but for now, you get the great disappointment of my day.

The most beautiful boots in the world have arrived at my home for $65, and they are:

• not quite (but almost) as beautiful as I thought they'd be 
• way too small in the calf 
• also too small in the foot. 

 Back they go.

A stream of consciousness about scandal

Here is a hint for the folks at the New York Post, and also voyeuristic journalists everywhere: The phrase "sex orgy" is the creepiest way to say what you mean. Just "orgy" is probably sensationalist enough, and "sex party" would get the point across as well.

I had reason to be aware of that helpful tip for writers of things because apparently a porn actor claims Kim Kardashian was in one 10 years ago.

Oh, about that: YAWN.

The only thing that could make me interested in Kim Kardashian's current romantic or sex life is if she was in an exclusive, very normal relationship with an attractive but unflashy woman, in which they were pleasant to each other and their neighbors and stayed off TV about it and didn't talk about sex but did have a fun jokey relationship with Kim's stepdad. Or maybe Chaz Bono. You can let me know if she gets involved with Chaz Bono.

I do not think anything could make me interested in her past sex life, sex orgies or no.

Except Richard Dawkins.

If she has ever been involved with Richard Dawkins, or ever becomes involved with him, I would also like that information.

Otherwise, I am not interested.

I cannot wait to see what search terms drive people to this post.

My new favorite thing about Mitt Romney

Finally, a practical use for the genealogy lesson I gave you all a few weeks ago.

On The Colbert Report last night, Jon Huntsman and Colbert had this exchange:

Stephen Colbert: We've been told that the more we get to know Mitt Romney, the more we're gonna like him. You're a fellow governor, fellow Mormon, fellow businessman — you've known him for years. What are the things that make you just love him as a person?
[Explosive laughter by the audience, Huntsman sits back in his chair, obviously amused and taken aback.]
Colbert: Top five.
Jon Huntsman: Well, I'd have to say that's a little bit unfair as a question, because I'm an insider. He's a relative. You're supposed to like your relatives.
[Colbert leans forward, obviously taken aback.]
Colbert: Are you related to him?
Huntsman: We share the same great great great grandfather — [Wait, what?]
Colbert: And you love everyone in your family?
Huntsman: — and this great  great great grandfather had twelve wives. He was a polygamist — [Wait, what?! No wonder you're not in Tampa. Are you supposed to say that out loud where people outside Utah can hear you?]
Colbert: Really?
Huntsman: — and Mitt clearly came down from the wife with better hair.

So, absorb that chunk of awesome and then fill in the blank:

That makes them                                .

God vs. the RNC (vs. the NFL)

If Hurricane Isaac (or any hurricane) hits Tampa during the Republican National Convention, I will not view that as a sign from God. I don't think God works that way.

I might, however, view it as a sign from the Republican Party that it doesn't have more sense than to hold a convention in coastal Florida during hurricane season.

Which would mean, you know, less sense than the NFL, which holds its big event in February, but only in cities that are warm or have a dome.

Just saying.

War is hell

My latest TV Thing is watching old episodes of Upstairs, Downstairs. It's ridiculous, and soap-opera-y, and very much fun. So! Much! Scandal!

But, my friends, if you find yourself thinking,

"OhmyGawd I wish World War I would end; it's so boring," 

while lying on your couch, watching a 40-year-old show about people a hundred years ago, thanks to the magic of Netflix instant

— that is how you know you're perhaps too comfortable in your life.

Bucking the trend

A true story from Wednesday:

I was leaving a bank in York, Maine, that I'd been in for reasons we won't get into because they make me look stupid, when a customer service person from said bank came running out after me and called me by my (real) first name.

I turned around. She held a dollar out to me. "I have no idea who dropped this in the bank," she said (though she knew for sure it wasn't me). "Here. It's another dollar for tolls."

And that is how I know I'm in rural New England and not, say, any big city or the area around Washington, D.C.

One iota...

I woke up one morning recently with the vague, semi-lucid thought that I'd confused Ikea for Iota.

• Ikea, as you may know, is a store filled with simplecomplex furniture made (by you) of particle board.
• Iota, as you may or may not know, is an excellent bar in Arlington, Virginia, I frequented about twelve years ago, with fabulous live music and good bartenders and amazing food and possibly even better memories.

And having woken completely from that jarring thought, I then started making a list of sentences in which it might be bad to have that confusion.

• "Oh, yeah, I saw Frank Black at Ikea. You know, from the Pixies?"
• "We used to go to Ikea after work at the bar."
• "I love the food at Ikea, but the service is crap."
• "I don't go to Ikea as often as I used to, but I like to go feel like I'm a 28-year-old waitress with cool friends and good taste sometimes."
• "I met this porn director at Ikea once who had coincidentally lived in my exact apartment. Weird, right?"

OK, some of those actually work, disturbingly.

Maybe it's better when I don't share my semi-lucidity with you.

What year is it?

As of Saturday, I am 41. 

You may know that, for the last several years, I've been doing birthday-to-birthday "years of."

• 38 was the year of cute shoes, explained somewhat here (complete with link to the original inspiration for said year). It was awesome. 
• 39 was the year of time management. (Meh. Mildly successful, exactly as boring as it sounds.) 
• 40 was the year of having people over. (Mixed results, but, like the year of cute shoes, it has started me on a path I like a whole lot.)
• And 41 is the year of... I don't know.

That's where you come in.

I've had some ideas, of course, but I'm realizing that what makes a "year of" really successful is the combination of implicit instruction and superfun. So, for the year of cute shoes, I was obviously going to buy a few pairs of, and consistently wear, cute shoes. For the year of having people over, I had people over, alone and in groups. And my current 41 ideas are too big. "The year of love;" "the year of art" — that could mean so many things. I need more obvious goals within my control. More along the lines of "the year of crochet," except that I am not interested enough in crochet for that to be it.

So, it's (partially) up to you. Here and on the Facebook page, I'm taking suggestions. What's this the year of? We're three days in already; it's time to get cracking. Feel free to invite friends, neighbors, and total strangers to join the fun; there's no reason for people who actually know me and my interests to have all the fun.

7 thoughts on chicken sandwiches (but you only have to read #5)

SIGH.

I have stayed mostly out of this Chick-Fil-A business, because, ugh.

But my Facebook still remains full of (mostly straight) people on multiple sides (and you can bet there are more than two) of this issue, and a couple of regular readers have asked me for some thoughts or clarity on this, so here it is, in handy list form:

1. I don't care whether you boycott Chick-Fil-A. We all live in a semi-capitalist society, and unless you are Amish or similar, you will sometimes patronize businesses that support your values, and sometimes patronize businesses that do not. It sucks, but it's true.
2. I do not eat at Chick-Fil-A. I don't call it a boycott, because the nearest Chick-Fil-A is 50 miles from me, so it's a pretty academic distinction. 
3. I deeply support Dan Cathy's right to spend his money, and his privately owned company's foundation's money, however he chooses. Seriously. He is entitled to his opinion.
4. I even more deeply thank Dan Cathy, and all other straightforward folks, for discussing where they spend said money. Understanding point #1, I think we all deserve to know where our money's going, and I'd encourage all people who are going to have company foundations to tell us what's what. Many LGBTQ folks and their allies have had this information for a long time. If you're just now catching on, that doesn't make it new. It means Dan Cathy is doing it right, however abhorrent and oppressive I may find his opinions.
5. If you learn nothing else, here is the one point I hope you know, understand, believe, share with all your friends: Boycotts do not suppress free speech. They are free speech. Our right to free speech means Dan Cathy can say what he wants and not get arrested for it.* It also means other people can do what they want about what he says, within the law. Not eating really sugary chicken with pickles is absolutely one of those things people can do.
6. Please be nice. If you've decided, in keeping with #1, that you're still going to eat at Chick-Fil-A, OK. If you've decided that that is a proud and noble stand to take, I don't get it, but OK. But if you know you have (or may have) queer friends, who are actively suffering (or may have suffered) thanks to the efforts of the Chick-Fil-A Foundation, maybe don't make such a thing of your proud and noble stand on Facebook?
7. That's also not a suppression of free speech. That is a person who tries to be mostly kind hoping that her friends will maybe try to do the same in public spaces they know she'll be in. It's not censorship to remind people I exist.

*BTW, as a wealthy white Christian male, the odds that he'd get arrested for it even without our right to free speech are pretty slim. But whatevs.

Oh, goody. Sickie's got bullet points.

I left work early today with a fever.

Normally, as you know, sickness means two things for me:

• grumpiness, and
• blogging

Today, I think I have worked through the grumpiness, but not the blogging. I also might not have worked through the mild lightheadedness which is totally not to say delirium.

So you get every random thought in my head right now:

• I really like the (real) wood paneling in my house.
• My new favorite drink consists of 3/4 cup gin, one 12-ounce can ginger beer, 1 cup lemonade (serves four).
• My new second favorite drink consists of half a glass of lemonade and half a glass of ginger beer (serves me, repeatedly).
• My new third favorite drink is hibiscus peppermint iced tea.
• This show "Traffic Light"? Isn't bad.
• That show, "Take Me Out"? Kind of is, but I have watched every episode anyway.
• Regarding that, I can understand people wanting to wait until they're married, but doesn't buying a ring for your hypothetical future wife you haven't met yet suggest that you're not able to approach women as individuals, who might have specific tastes (or ring sizes) (or metal allergies)? Or is a man who does that playing it Cinderella-style, where the woman who likes the ring and can wear it is his One True Love?
• I already shared this on the CMC Facebook page, but I need Joe to see it, too. As I said there, "I don't care how you feel about this song, this version is adorable. And sort of crowded."
• I really wish I was watching the Opening Ceremonies. Don't worry, I'll watch them later. You were worried, right? That's sweet of you.
• Sweat is just gross sometimes. And there's, like, a lot.
• No, wait. Lying around sweat is gross. Sweat from working out or hiking or something is, like, pure.
• I think the thermometer might be in the living room.
• 99.0! Woo-hoo ibuprofen!
• I had another thought, but now it's gone. Damn.
• I had a hilarious conversation earlier today that I can't share yet. I'll set it up for tomorrow.
• Before you came into my life, I missed you so bad. 

Tips for not seeming super-creepy

One of many things that came up in the family was a long-ago internet episode that embarrassed two family members and a bunch of morris dancers. The theme of that story is "we don't always know how we're perceived by others."

In that vein, let's say you think you might like a person, but you don't know if she likes you.

Let's walk through some of the steps you might take in pursuing this friendship.

1. Even though she is a complete stranger, introduce yourself in a flirtatious manner. [Hint: Stop here to evaluate response.]
2. When her response is to shut down to the point of semi-open hostility, continue to chat and tease her about how quiet she is. [Hint: Stop. She is not interested.]
3. If, over the course of weeks, you often see her with her friends, wait until they leave and then approach her when she is alone. [Hint: Stop. This is mildly creepy.]
4. Suggest, on one of these approaches, that she should not have ordered food without you but should instead have ordered food that you can share. [Hint: Stop. This is creepier.]
5. Ask where she lives. [Hint: Stop. Super creepy.]
6. When she gives you a town name, ask for a street name. [Hint: Stop. You have taken what could have been a positive sign, that she did not resist your creepiness and instead gave you an answer, and took it to a new level of creepy rather than just holding off to see where it went.]
7. Tell her where you live, explain that you have a farm with goats and chickens but not pigs anymore. Ask if she likes animals. [Hint: Stop. The farm business could have been innocent enough, but her guard is already up, and "do you like animals?" feels like there's something creepy behind it, even if there isn't.]
8. When her friends come back, ask one of them if she thinks you have a chance with "the one in the white pants." [Hint: Stop. You have tipped the friend off to the fact that you are hitting on a woman whose name you don't know, and have been for a couple weeks. Creepy, regardless of the friend's response.]
9. The friend says no, and explains that the woman you are hitting on is on a lesbian bowling team, and that the woman in question doesn't so much date men, and you are a man. [Hint: Stop. Seriously, dude, you are barking up the wrong tree, even if you weren't a creep.]
10. Wait until the friend leaves, and then call the woman in question by name, and ask again where she lives. Push for increasing levels of specificity, down to the house number. [Hint: Stop. She does not date men, and she knows you didn't know her name 20 minutes ago, and you have absolutely, irrevocably passed the point at which she might have been even your friendly bowling alley acquaintance. At this point, you are kind of lucky she isn't calling the police.]

In which I demonstrate the skills I claimed in the last post

Reader nyczoo asked for clarification on the familial relationships. I tried to explain thus: 

• Siblings have a common set of parents
• First cousins have a common set of grandparents
• Second cousins have a common set of great-grandparents
• etc.

"X times removed" is the number of generations off you are.

So, my first cousin and I share grandparents. Her sons and I share common ancestors, but they're skewed by one generation (my grandparents are their great-grandparents).

So we are first cousins once removed.

And then I tried to get into the advanced forms, and decided it would be easier to do a drawing, which is what I always do in person.

Here:

Click to make it larger if that's helpful.

Alice and Bob are married; their children, Cathy and Eric, married Dean and Fern, respectively.
So Henry and Karen are first cousins. Got it?
Henry would therefore be first cousin once removed to Nancy's son Ted.
Henry's daughter Ophelia is second cousin to Ted (same generation, share great-grandparents Alice and Bob).

Even more advanced:
If, in the picture above, George and Jerry are siblings to each other, Penny and Quincy are double first cousins.

Things I learned from a week of having family around, some of them as houseguests

• 12 people's disparate tastes take up a lot of space in the fridge, though they narrow the possibilities for dinner to salmon or Manhattan clam chowder. Heck, in my family, 12 people's disparate tastes in beer alone can fill up the fridge completely.
• If you put an unsealed bag of coffee in the trunk of your car sideways, you'll get coffee all over the space heater and board games and lumber you're storing in your trunk.
• If the best family characteristic of your family is a fantastic and shared sense of humor, and the worst is an inability to plan, then: overall win. 
• Two 12-ounce bags of oyster crackers is too many. Like, way too many.
• You need to listen to every old family story, even the ones you've heard a million times, because somewhere in there, at some point, someone will add a nuance or an offhand remark or a whole new story that will blow. your. mind. This will sound to members of my family like I am talking about one thing, but they will each be thinking of different things. That is how often my mind was blown this week.
• Different people have different roles in an extended family. This is not all I do, but some of my strengths are: having many beds in my house; being willing to draw a family tree on any scrap of paper; keeping straight the differences between first cousins, second cousins, and first cousins once removed. Oh, and being ready to go. Usually.
• There is never enough one-on-one time to get all your questions answered.
• Some of the highlights of a week like this will be sunsets, and hikes, and experiences. A lot of them? Will be short snippets of conversations.
• No matter how much you love your guests, no matter how much fun you have with them, if you otherwise live alone, you will be ready to take your pants off when they leave. And also, maybe then you'll spontaneously fall asleep mid-blog-post.
• When your houseguests return to their lives, they will likely forget something. In this case, "something" means a big pink water bottle and a bottle of shampoo. So far.

Things I learned from two full weeks of dogsitting

• The most desirable place in my yard to poop is the property line with my neighbors.
• If a dog isn't allowed on the bed, and you agree with that philosophically and also respect the dog's owner's wishes, but nonetheless aren't feeling well and would like to snuggle with a doggie, you can lie down on the couch as if it were a bed and have the dog come up there. As long as the dog is allowed on the couch.
• Dogs are better at opening doors than they are at closing them behind them.
• There is always an adult male fishing at Robin Hood Park. He may have a child or a woman or another adult male or no one with him, but he is always there. Not always the same adult male; I think they must have a schedule to be sure all shifts are covered.
• A small dog with a big-dog bark will scare mice away.
• When you return a dog to his owners, with "all his stuff," you will likely forget something. In my case, "something" means food dish, water dish, placemat food and water dish sit on, fleece blanket, destroyed stuffed elephant, destroyed tennis ball, and two sticks of rawhide. So far.

3rd of July

...so now it's July, and I'm committed to writing three posts a week, and it's late Tuesday, and I have very little to say. Oh, well, you know my motto, "when in doubt, make a list." Things I should be doing:

• Finishing up my self-paced online music appreciation class that started in May and ends Saturday. I, um, just took the midterm. But hey, I got a 95! Specifically:
• Completing classes,
• Researching the vibraphone,
• Writing a “concert attendance report” on the opera I went to last week,
• Writing two other short assignments
• Finding a dentist. Part of my tooth fell out last night.
• Cleaning my house in anticipation of the family who will visit soon. Specifically:
• Making the office inhabitable for me.
• Putting away the clothes that are on the bed in my room.
• Cramming the costumes back into the costume trunk in the guest room.
• Tidying the living room.
• Going to the dump. Trash pickup here is so expensive, but not having trash pickup involves actually remembering to go to the dump at a time the dump is open.
• Making dinner.
• Going to the bank.
• Going to the drugstore.

Things I have been doing instead:

• Playing with the dog I'm dog-sitting.
• Feeding the cat I'm cat-sitting.
• Reading an old Danielle Steele novel in the interest of keeping said cat company.
• Playing video games.
• Watching the Seven Up series (which, no kidding, if you haven't seen, you must)
• Watching crappy TV with much less redeeming social value than the Seven Up series
• A little bowling (not very much, seriously)

So, yeah, I should get back to that top list. How about you? What's new?

Not tonight, dear

Things that are less fun with a migraine than they might otherwise be, in chronological order of me discovering it today:

• reading
• editing
• making other people happy
• remembering my coworker's name*
• interacting with the friendly guy at the convenience store
• beautiful sunny days
• active puppies
• waking up from a dream about not having a migraine
• being awake
• watching Community

Oh, in case you were wondering if anything wasn't less fun, I think this wasn't, though you can bet I'll try watching it again when I don't have a headache, just in case it's even better than I think.

*OK, to be fair, this wasn't so much "less fun" as it was "more difficult." This is a close coworker, both geographically and friend-wise, and I've known her for more than a year.

More dog days of summer

You may recall that I am dog-sitting.

The lucky puppy and I are having a blast. Once a day, I try to send a wrap-up text about him and his buddy, who's a cat, to their owners on vacation. And because they're so adorable, I try to include a picture snapped with my phone.

Did I mention he's a puppy?

Here's a small sample of photo attempts:

I did manage to get one acceptably good one:

Cute, right? And deceptively placid-looking? 

Yeah, don't let him fool you.

Blogs I love

It's been a little while since I drew your attention to my blogroll, or since I did anything with it myself, so I'm taking a cue from Genny.

Here's what I'm reading and loving these days. I'm even using (almost) the labels I use in my reader for this post (it gets complicated, because there's overlap, but, well, I do what I can).

The blogs that used to be on my blogroll but aren't anymore are the ones that haven't had any posts in a long time (if by friends) or that I don't really read anymore (if by non-friends). And that's quite enough parentheses for an introduction.

Friends

• Stumbling Towards Career (career by a smart woman and good pal)
• washashore (gorgeous photos)
• People I don't want to date (updated only infrequently, but hilarious when it does get updated)
• my name is hili (a woman named Hili chronicles what the people at Starbucks think her name is)
• Coming Clean (someone cleans her room, which is funnier and more inspiring than it sounds)
• traveldigressions (travel tips from someone who travels a lot)
• 30 Days of Adventures (a country pastor does 30 days of something at a time)
• living dharma (the life of a former Buddhist monk)
• Genny's Journal (fashion and family)
• From Where I Sit (my old boss and current friend's current life, in which she also shares a lot of neat stuff from elsewhere on the internet)
• Happy Living (my former coworker has a fiance and a baby, and she's moving soon)
• Anonykids (a mother of twins tells funny stories)
• Castle Rock Farm (cute pictures of baby animals, among other things)
• I Peed on My Kid! (stay-at-home dadness)
• Polka Dot Cottage (crafts and family)

Funny ha ha

• Bitterly Books
• Text from Dog
• Least Helpful
• Lifetime, Wow!
• "Literally Unbelievable"
• Damn You Auto Correct
• Our Valued Customers
• passive-aggressive notes
• xkcd

Race

• I'm not racist, but...
• Jack and Jill Politics
• Microaggressions (this one could go in any of the diversity categories, but since I listed race first, for now it goes here)
• my culture is not a trend.
• Racialicious

Feminism

• Finally, A Feminism 101 Blog
• I Blame the Patriarchy

LGBTQ

• A Radical TransFeminist
• Dorothy Surrenders

Random strangers

• A Black Girl's Guide to Weight Loss
• Single Dad Laughing
• The Bloggess
• Margaret and Helen
• She Just Walks Around With It
• Steam Me Up, Kid...
• The Creamery
• Tyler Coates
• Holy Prepuce!

So, what's missing? What are you reading or writing on the internets that I don't have on my list? What do you think the rest of us would looooove?

Things I learned from the first 20 hours of two weeks of dog-sitting

• I really am allergic to dogs. Really allergic. As much as I am to cats.
• Dogs really like to be close to people.
• Cetrizine Hydrochloride is no longer an effective allergy medicine for me. At least for my dog allergy.
• If there's one thing dogs love, it's wadded up Kleenex.
• You can't buy allergy medicine with a decongestant unless you have your driver's license.
• If you, say, forgot to bring your driver's license to the drugstore, you can't reasonably "just run in" for it if there's a dog in a crate in your house, because he will go INSANE and you will feel like the meanest person alive.
• There are many reasons I don't own a dog (like allergies and that I prefer to have the option of being irresponsible), but not-unhigh on the list is that I am worried the dog will judge me. The last two dogs I've dogsat for came from households with two adults and two interesting children. I suspect these dogs are bored to tears with me, because the parts of my life that are exciting (me being out of my house) and the parts that are relaxing (me lying around in my house) are both pretty dog-boring. 

Oly, oly, oxen-free

Today, my Rock Star friend tried to send me a video on gchat, but it wouldn't load. I could see that the title was "Vogue (Olympic PC...", so I Googled around a little until I got this, which I could not for the life of me figure out how to embed.

Two thoughts on that video:

• The part where one of the Bryan brothers talks about how important it is that his brother pushes him was hilarious, because one of the Bryan brothers (still not sure which) actually shoved me at an event once. On my birthday.
• Why are the men depicted doing active athletic things, while the women (regardless of whether they are models or athletes) depicted as decoration? Oh, patriarchy.

Oh, and a third:

• That was not at all the video my friend was trying to send me. This was:
  
  It's way more adorable, though it did result in discussion of whether the feather headbands were supposed to signal "flapper" or "indian."
  I'm going with "flapper," because only the girls are wearing them, which means the boys' hats are supposed to be fancy fedoras, and not pilgrim hats.
  I think.

I am the gatekeeper.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that there was a dark, water-stained-looking spot on the ceiling in the common area outside my office.

I reported it to the powers that be, who reported it to the folks at Physical Plant, who could not find a water source, but said they'd replace the tile.

Then, yesterday, I looked at my own office ceiling and noticed similar stains, right over my desk. It also seemed to me that  the common area stain had gotten worse, but I couldn't swear to it. So I went to my office neighbor (ON)'s office. The dark stain over his desk (and several computers) was by far the worst. It was cracked and sagging. Very bad.

We reported it to the powers that be, who reported it to Physical Plant.

Half an hour later, ON came into my office. "You've gotta see this," he said. I went into his office and his stain had gotten even worse. More cracks, more sagging. We decided we needed to move the important stuff out from under it, but of course, we were joking around (and therefore standing around) as we did it.

It could be an incontinent raccoon, we thought. Or bees. Or snakes. And as we discussed these possibilities, the tile in question collapsed onto his desk, missing the computers and me, but barely. Obviously, I shrieked, loudly, and we all scrambled and then assessed the damage by the falling tile. It did hit a beautiful pottery lamp ON's wife had made, but didn't break it. 


I attempted to move my smallish desk (stuffed with files) and couldn't do it myself, so obviously, I wandered off to tell other people of my morning's adventures.

When I came back, action had been taken. The physical plant guys had arrived, had moved my desk out of the way, had removed all of the troubling tiles in all three locations, and had put trash cans and recycling cans under the now very obvious drips. It seems there was a clog in the line of the building's air conditioner and a bunch of other stuff I neither completely understood nor retained and now a lot of water.

My boss was very gracious and understanding when I suggested that, due to the sound of dripping water that was in no way contained to the two buckets in my office but kept dripping on my arm even when I sat at my desk's new location, I'd be working from home the rest of the day, which I did.

This morning, I got up early and took a beautiful hike, punctuated by elephant ears and fruit salad and mimosas with a stunning view of the sunrise. That is in no way related to the rest of the story, but it is nonetheless true and demonstrates that I am awesome.

When I came in to work this morning, the ceiling tiles were all still missing, and there was some water in the trash and recycling cans. No more dripping, though, so that was good.

And now my desk is seemingly comically close to the door. To give you a vague picture: in a roughly 9'x14' office, my roughly 3'x6' desk is directly in front of the door, close enough that you can open the door all the way, but just. I appear to be a receptionist for my own (smallish) office, blocking the entrance and making it uninviting.

And that amuses me enough that I'm keeping it that way.*

It's the little things, amiright?






*Plus, you know, can't really move it myself.

Nailed it

I had a fantastic weekend, thanks for asking, in stark contrast to last weekend. So nice.

Most of what I did was hang out with a very good friend from college and her 7-year-old daughter; she has a husband and a son who I love very much, too, but they were off gallivanting somewhere.

So, in a roughly 24-hour period we called "Girl trip! Woo!" we read and painted nails and had delicious food (including ice cream) and went to church and played Just Dance 3 and had a picnic by a stream and did hot stone massage on each other. It was terrific.

Now, my nails, painted by said 7-year-old with her cool new nail polish that is sparkly and also supposedly tie-dye (except the tie-dye effect only really worked on one nail) look like this:

Here's the question: How long do you think I'll leave them like that?

Possibly relevant factors:

• I am vain.
• The texture of the polish feels funny.
• I currently only have nail polish remover that belongs to someone else and so would need to buy my own to remove it.
• I am lazy.
• I sort of like having nails done by a 7-year-old in theory.

Anyone have any guesses? I have so far already worn them to church and work, if it matters.

Look, Ma!

I subscribe to InStyle magazine's RSS feed. Don't judge me.

Today's daily beauty tip teaser was, "Learn how to master Lake Bell’s 'no makeup' look."

Now, I feel secure in saying I have already mastered my own no makeup look, and I feel like pretty much anyone, regardless of sex or gender, can master my no makeup look without a blog post on it.

In case you were looking for tips on how to achieve it, though, here you go:

• Step 1: Do not apply makeup. 
• Step 2: Do not apply quotation marks.

I am guessing that Lake Bell's "no makeup" look (at least as described by InStyle) involves a lot more makeup.

Fashion (blog) Week part 4: me

And at last, we bring Fashion (blog) Week to an end with my experience.


*Indicates events that I thought were happening when I planned my outfit, but did not.
** Indicates events that I did not know were happening when I planned my outfit, but that happened anyway.


Fashion (blog) Week part 1
Fashion (blog) Week part 2
Fashion (blog) Week part 3

Monday:

• What's the weather? High 80; low 61; isolated thunderstorms
• What's on your schedule? Cookout at my parents' house, lots of playtime with my young niece and nephew, possibly a trip to the lake*, nap**, bowling
• What's your inspiration? I'm not sure I understand the "inspiration" part of this. Casual effortlessness with a certain artsy early-60s j'ne sais quois?
• What's the outfit plan? Cuffed loose jeans, flip flops, sleeveless flowered blouse; swimsuit; running shoes and a pair of socks in case a walk is called for; bowling shoes later.
• How'd it work out?  Just fine, thanks. I don't remember the last time I got ready so quickly and didn't hate what I was wearing. Awesome.

Tuesday:

• What's the weather? High 79; low 63; isolated thunderstorms
• What's on your schedule? Morning workout; work with one internal meeting; a chiropractic appointment (midday); possibly drinks after work*; drinks and dinner to meet a friend's long-distance significant other in flash-flooding-type storms**
• What's your inspiration? Er — brown, I guess.
• What's the outfit plan? Workout clothes; khakis, brown peeptoe wedges, brown sleeveless sweater
• How'd it work out? Not bad, though I did add a white short-sleeved cardigan at the last minute because I chickened out of wearing a sleeveless shirt with nothing over it to work. And changed into jeans pre-drinks and dinner.

Wednesday:

• What's the weather? High 78; low 55; partly cloudy
• What's on your schedule? Morning workout*; work; bowling lesson; softball game (watching, not playing) in the evening*; yoga class**
• What's your inspiration? Summer, or also a desire to be simultaneously work-appropriate and casual enough for a softball game.
• What's the outfit plan? Workout clothes; green capris (or pedal pushers? I'm not sure I know the difference.), black peeptoes, short sleeved flower print shirt; short-sleeved black cardigan
• How'd it work out? Swell. The rain cancelled the softball game, but this outfit was a combination I don't use often, and I liked it. And it was good to have the workout clothes at-the-ready for the yoga class; there have been times in my life I'd have skipped the class because trying to pull together a clean workout outfit would have been tricky.

Thursday: 

• What's the weather? High 75; low 49; partly cloudy
• What's on your schedule? Morning workout; work, one internal meeting, possibly a long day writing the internal campus newsletter; lunch with a friend**
• What's your inspiration? Comfort and ease — the gray dress is jersey knit, and I could sleep in it if I had to. I'm not going to. Probably.
• What's the outfit plan? Workout clothes; gray dress, black peeptoes. 
• How'd it work out?  Super, and I did not, in fact, have to sleep in the gray dress. I didn't even have to work that late.

Friday:

• What's the weather? High 74; low 54; partly cloudy
• What's on your schedule? Morning workout; work; pedicure with a  friend**; "This American Life — Live"**
• What's your inspiration? Fun summer! Summer fun!
• What's the outfit plan? Workout clothes; blue denim dress, fun tan sandals, gray cardigan
• How'd it work out? Mostly great, though the temperature dropped suddenly during the late afternoon, so I had to run home and change out of my adorable dress and into jeans — which was not a problem, except that it left me having to pick a shirt on my own, with no planning, for the first time since Sunday night. I did fine. An olive green lace-neck t-shirt with the jeans, gray cardigan, and sandals worked out great. And it didn't take me an hour of changing outfits, either. I think I was just more confident in my ability to get dressed by this point — at least to get dressed for sitting in a dark theater.

So, overall, what did you learn?

• No kidding, Sunday night, this was painful and took me a very long time.
• Monday morning, on the other hand, was awesome, as I rolled out of bed and into clothes.
• If I lay out workout clothes for every day, I feel bad about not wearing them, and therefore am more likely to work out.
• I wear a lot of neutral clothing.
• My plans change a lot between Sunday and Friday.
• My friends and I have different sources for weather reports.
• What ikat is.

Will you keep up with the system?

• I'd like to try. It seems unlikely. But the workout factor alone would be worth it.

What were the best and worst parts?

• Best: The workout motivation; who knew that clothes were what was standing in my way there?
• Worst: I dunno. I'm a little sore from all the working out. Kidding — Sunday night was definitely the worst part. I have confidence it'd get better if I did it regularly.

Fashion (blog) week Part 3: The Reuniter

Today's guest post comes from my colleague and friend The Reuniter, so named because she tried this experiment during one of the busiest weeks of her year — the week leading up to Reunion Weekend at the college. Throw in Memorial Day and some crazy weather, and — well, I'll let her tell you.

[Note: I intended to publish this on Wednesday. I was all done reading it and formatting it and whatnot, and was just about to hit publish, when lightning struck my house and fried my router. True Story.]

Fashion (blog) week Part 1
Fashion (blog) week Part 2

Monday

• What's the weather? Sunny & 75.
• What's the schedule? Driving home from a wedding in Darien, CT.
• What's your inspiration? Comfort for the car and layers, since my co-traveler and I often prefer different temperatures.
• What's the outfit plan? Black cotton dress, gray flip flops, and a brown 3/4 length cardigan for breakfast and the 4-hour drive, followed by my pajamas.
• How'd it work? It was perfect!

Tuesday

• What's the weather? 80 with possible thunderstorms (ended up with torrential rain and a tornado warning). 
• What's the schedule? Follow up from the extra-long weekend, prep for Reunion weekend, and tying LED candles in paper lanterns. An after-hours work meeting (which got canceled when the tornado warnings seemed guaranteed). 
• What's your inspiration? Comfort for a long day and cool for hot temperatures. 
• What's the outfit plan? Navy blue Old Navy knee length dress, new long multi-colored Lia Sophia necklace for some drama and brown flat sandals. 
• How'd it work? It was a great outfit for the work day, but I was a little chilly once the rain hit that evening. 

Wednesday

• What's the weather? 75 and sunny. 
• What's the schedule? Reunion meetings, website updates, a little spray painting and happy hour with some coworkers who are leaving (I ended up not being able to make it for drinks). 
• What's your inspiration? New linen pants and my best chance to wear heels this week. 
• What's the outfit plan? Linen pants, indigo cap-sleeve blouse, brown pumps and gold jewelry. 
• How'd it work? After experiencing an unexpected detour on the way to work due to flooding, it felt great to be pulled together. 

Thursday

• What's the weather? Sunny and warm. 
• What's the schedule? Decorating for our Friday night event, climbing ladders to hang hooks, and picking up helium tanks, balloons, plants, etc. 
• What's your inspiration? Simple and classic. 
• What's the outfit plan? V-neck black cotton dress with empire waist and aqua cardigan, triple-strand blue bead and pearl necklace and aqua earrings with peep-toe flats. 
• How'd it work? I probably didn't think the whole ladder and dress thing through well enough, but it still worked out well. 

Friday

• What's the weather? A little cooler (70) and sunny. 
• What's the schedule? Decorating golf carts, hanging paper lanterns and lantern lights, setting up music playlists, and mapping sandwich board locations. 
• What's your inspiration? Outfit 1: running around campus, quick changes, and flexibility. Outfit 2: more formal and youthful. 
• What's the outfit plan? Outfit 1: white corduroy skirt, teal dress t-shirt, short pearl necklace and black flip flops. Outfit 2: Blue ikat print dress (with pockets), brown pumps, coral short-sleeve dolman cardigan.  
• How'd it work? The first outfit was perfect for running around, especially when I lost my keys and had to scour campus to find them (they turned up on the back of a golf cart). The dress in outfit 2 was a great choice. It was perfect for the weather and event, and the pockets were a great asset for holding a variety of items. I actually ended up with a 3rd outfit. The temperature dropped, so, following my work event, I changed into jeans and a purple tank top for a night out on the town. I changed into flats for walking around and kept the coral cardigan on. 

So, overall, what did you learn? Will you keep up with the system? What were the best and worst parts? I learned that figuring out what to wear is always a little tough for me. Even when planning ahead, picking out what to wear was a challenge. I think factoring in our laundry schedule added a level of complexity, as I was planning for the end of the week (maybe that means I need to expand my wardrobe :). I did find that planning ahead made it quicker for me to get ready in the mornings, which is something I am always looking for. Also, I tried a few combinations that I haven't before, since I was not rushing. I was also more likely to wear jewelry, which adds a little color and style. I think that I will try the system again. If I can get into the habit, maybe it won’t seem like such an effort. Plus, next time I will try not to give it a go during a crazy, unpredictable work week!

Fashion (blog) week Part 2: The Yogini

Many thanks to my friend and colleague, known hereafter as the yogini (or TY) for participating in this experiment and writing today's post! This is the first blog post she's ever written. I think you will agree it doesn't show.

Fashion (blog) week Part 1

Monday: 5/28/12

• What's the weather? Beautiful – 75 and sunny 
• What's on your schedule? Taking a boat ride, sun bathing, a possible dip in the lake, and visiting with family 
• What's your inspiration? The sun goddess 
• What's the outfit plan? Bathing suit – nothing more, nothing less…well, it could be less, you never know with me. 
• How'd it work out? Perfectly, except for the horrible sun burn on my back from not wearing a cover up. I need to get into official summer mode and be a bit more prepared. 

Tuesday: 5/29/12

• What's the weather? Sunny – 80 with a chance of rain (as per the weather forecast the weekend before. Turns out we had a massive thunderstorm with a tornado warning!) 
• What's on your schedule? Work at the office, then off to Spofford for a breath work session at the Power of Breath Institute 
• What's your inspiration? My sister’s good taste in clothing. 
• What's the outfit plan? Off white lace top with an emerald green skirt, brown belt and brown shoes. Plus an awesome locket necklace my sis let me borrow…and not surprisingly, I still have it. ☺ Then I changed into yoga clothes for the breath work session- my favorite type of clothing to be in. 
• How'd it work out? Fantastic. I thought I was not going to be comfortable all day with a lace shirt on a sunburned back, but it was actually OK. Yoga clothes and sandals, however, did not prove to be a good choice in torrential rain. 

Wednesday: 5/30/12

• What's the weather? Beautiful again – 75 and sunny 
• What's on your schedule? Work at the office, then teaching yoga at the KSC gym, followed by a Kundalani yoga workshop. 
• What's your inspiration? Be comfortable, it will be a long day! 
• What's the outfit plan? A floral dress with an off white shrug and brown shoes, and later, yoga clothes . Did I mention I love wearing yoga clothes? 
• How'd it work out? Great, the dress was very comfortable and I got lots of compliments on it which always brightens my day. I wore my favorite lotus flower tank top to yoga and I just love the way it fits my body. It allows for plenty of room to breathe and move, while discreetly covering the parts of my body that make me feel insecure. 

Thursday: 5/31/12

• What's the weather? Sunny and 75 
• What's on your schedule? Work at the office, and then over to my dear friends house for a girl’s night/clothing swap. 
• What's your inspiration? To wear something that makes me happy. 
• What's the outfit plan? I had planned to wear a black skirt with a black and white striped top, but when I got dressed I decided it was all wrong. I went against my pre-planning idea, and changed into a color block dress with a black shrug. 
• How'd it work out? I love my color block dress (teal, royal blue and black) only the straps are a bit too big and I need to shorten them. They were always falling down and that became a bit annoying. My girlfriends loved the dress however, and thought it flattered my body very nicely. Thanks again to my sis for picking out this dress for me! She does have a great eye for what works. 

Friday: 6/1/12

• What's the weather? A bit cooler – 65 to 70 
• What's on your schedule? Work at the office during the day and reunion festivities at night. 
• What's your inspiration? I want to be comfortable and look snazzy. 
• What's the outfit plan? I had planned a cute skirt and top outfit, but my plans were interrupted this morning by a skunk attack as I was trying to leave my house! I did not get directly sprayed, but there was that gross skunk odor in my house, and I had to re-shower and change. Already late for work, I changed into a gauzy top (found at the clothing swap the night before!) with cream colored capris – comfortable, but definitely not snazzy. I did bring another change of clothes for the reunion kick-off later that evening. 
• How'd it work out? It was not what I had planned, but the outfit served its purpose – I had clothes on. The skirt and top that I changed into were a bit too casual for the evening, but overall I did not smell like skunk so that was a plus. 

So, overall, what did you learn? Will you keep up with the system? What were the best and worst parts? The system has its advantages for sure. There is no doubt I saved loads of time in the morning, but it was hard to stick with my plan. Each morning I still had the desire to stand in front of my closet, aimlessly starting at all the colorful clothes on hangers, and waste away precious morning time. I think I will give the system another go, and see if I can make this a habit. If you are like me, you wake up, get ready, and get to work within 30 minutes – with a 20 minute commute mind you. If I can make this system work, I can save the aimlessly-starting-at-the-closet routine for Sunday morning. I would recommend everyone give it a go!

Fashion (blog) Week Part 1: Introduction

Some of you may already read my friend Genny's blog, Genny's Journal, in which she blogs mostly about her family and fashion.

Some of you may not be shocked to know that I am not so much into the fashion blogs. (Although, on reflection, I do read several. I think Genny's is the only one I actually trust, fashion-wise.)

But I am very into Genny's blog, because she is smart and funny and looks good in her clothes. She has actually influenced my personal style.

In March, Genny blogged about how she looks so good so much of the time. She has a system for getting dressed.

I also have a system, as I said in the comments of Genny's post:

• wake up, 
• check the weather, 
• stare at my closet, 
• rummage through my drawers, 
• pull together an outfit, 
• try it on, 
• feel fat or too casual or just off somehow, 
• change one component of the outfit, dumping what I take off on the bed, 
• wish I'd done laundry the night before and contemplate whether I have time to do laundry before work or whatever I'm leaving the house to do, 
• change one component of the outfit (sometimes the same component, sometimes a different one), dumping what I take off on the bed, 
• repeat until I feel cute (yea!) or am late enough that I convince myself it's just an outfit and it doesn't have to be perfect (boo!), 
• leave the house, 
• return to a messy room that then needs to be picked up (eventually). 

In light of a joint recognition that Genny's system is probably better than our own, two friends and I decided to give Genny's system a try last week. It is not an accident that one of the days in that week was Memorial Day, so we only had to deal with four days of work. We also only even tried to do five days — gotta ease into these things.

This week, I have guest posts by my friends and one by me, detailing how our week went. There will not be pictures, because I am not a fashion blogger and I am more interested in being hilarious (or something) than fashionable — at least online. If you want fashion inspiration, go read Genny's blog.

Otherwise engaged

I have somehow gotten sucked into looking at blurry pictures of celebrity engagement rings, and I have a few things to say about it:

• So far, I like Halle Berry's best. But I like Kim Kardashian's second best, and that is embarrassing. 
• Kate Moss's is also very pretty. 
• If I were Prince William, I think I'd give my bride-to-be old family heirlooms, too. But I do not think I'd use the engagement ring from a completely famously unhappy marriage, even if it is pretty, and even if I loved the people in that unhappy marriage very much. 
• As the friend I first shared this complete waste of time with said, "Who are some of these 'celebrities'?"

Hijinks, clarified

That feels like long enough for a cliffhanger.

So, way back in August 2007, I met a young woman named Renée (most of my friends get code names on here, but Renée blogs under her own name and I'm about to link to it, so what would be the point?). One of our close mutual friends (you may recall him as my favorite Adirondackian from the Plattsburgh saga) informed me that we should be friends. I was going to be working with her for a week, so I didn't have a lot of time to get to know her, but we were friendly, and that was nice.

At some point, when I got on Facebook, we became Facebook friends, and I got to vaguely keep up with her college life, her commitment to education, her politics. Again, it was nice.

In August 2012, after graduating from college, Renée joined the Peace Corps and started a blog about her life in Namibia. And her blog, which I read, was amazing. She was such a great combination of young-and-idealistic and wise-beyond-her-years. She addressed the ambivalence I have myself about the Peace Corps, and was clearly doing all the right things for all the right reasons. At some point, I was hanging out with a mutual friend (you may recall Bread Truck Grrl from the moving story), and we were discussing Renée, and BTG suggested I should send an Renée e-mail. And I did, which began a very fun and rewarding long-distance friendship.

I'll let her tell you what comes next at her blog. But a couple of additions: Renée told only two people back in the U.S. — her dad and me — when she was coming home, and she stayed with me off-and-on for three weeks. It. Was. Awesome. We had a blast. And, of course, since virtually no one knew we were close friends (including BTG, including MFA), no one suspected she'd be here.

And because I cannot mind my own business, I helped her plan a little. And every single surprise (at least the ones I witnessed and saw later on video) was incredible. This girl lights up lives when she shows up and you think she's in Namibia. When she snuck up on BTG in my house, they rolled around on the floor like puppies for easily fifteen minutes. MFA just stared agape at the screen as we Skyped from my living room. Many more people had many more delicious reactions.

And all those people kept her secret, did not post about it on Facebook, did not post about it here on CMC, did not spill the beans to the one friend she wanted to surprise most of all. And so obviously, that was the best one.

(I am sure the hijinks continue, because that's what Renée's like, but she hasn't been staying with me for a couple of weeks, so my life is less hijinky. Neither of us is pregnant.)

Biden time

Today, Joe Biden came to campus. It was very exciting. Seriously, it was, and I decided the best way to capture the event was by liveblogging, to the point that I downloaded a blogger application to my phone, but it was crummy. So I did the next best thing, I thought — liveblogging but not live posting, also known as taking notes with times next to them.

I went with two friends; we were told that doors would open at 11:30, and that we should get there early to get through security. We left the office around 11:30, went in one side of the Student Center to get food, and came out and around the building to stand in line in drizzly rain at the other entrance to the Student Center, because that is securer. Once we got through metal detectors and into the building (past a bunch of freestaters protesting because it wouldn't be a — well, anything — without freestaters protesting), we made our way up to the balcony where I sat on the floor to eat my lunch.

That task finished, I stood up with my friends and commenced blogging.

• 12:27 Standing and waiting. In very high heels. Have spotted many work friends, a few community members, a friend from summer camp. Someone near me smells bad, but I have subtly determined it is not either of the friends I am here with.
• 12:43 Still standing and waiting. Turnout's ok, but not amazing. There is a woman to my right in a turquoise suit and a fantastic hat. If I can furtively take a picture, I will. Oh, except that as usual when I want to take a picture, my phone battery's too low.
• 12:51 There's a staff member around who looks like Tyler Coates, which is interesting, because Tyler Coates looks like Jesse Tyler Ferguson, but this dude does NOT look like Jesse Tyler Ferguson. What are the odds my battery will die completely before Biden enters the building?
• 12:55 Real conversation between my friends and me: "They should put the disco ball on when he comes in. He seems like that kind of guy, right? I don't think Mitt Romney is a disco ball kind of guy." "Mitt Romney would want to seem like a disco ball kind of guy, but then he'd say something weird that suggests he's never actually heard of disco or balls." I did not mean testicles, just to clarify. I rarely mean testicles.
• 1:02 The interim provost of the college made big gestures that I initially interpreted as saying she liked my necklace from across the room. She was actually trying to show off her own necklace to the woman next to me. I am vain and love my new necklace. [Added later: I did not pay anything anywhere near full price for that necklace. I did not pay 25% for that necklace, even. Genny can tell you how to do the same, if you're interested.] 
• 1:09 Something's happening. By "something" I mean patriotic images on a screen accompanied by painfully scratchy sound. Seriously, impossible to understand, hard to be in a room with. It might be about the economy.
• 1:11 Resolved for roughly four seconds.
• 1:13 Resolved for roughly 30 seconds.
• 1:20 Maybe now it's about Osama Bin Laden, and I think for a bit it was about health care. I don't know. I'm trying not to jam my thumb into my eye.
• 1:22 I may never forgive my employer or this administration for exposing me to this earsplitting noise. Something predatory lenders something. People just clapped for women, I think.
• 1:26 It ended at last as a really rude freestater elbowed her way in front of a bunch of people (including me), many of whom who gave her a hard time for lying to them and being rude. Highlight of my day. Some kid, er, field organizer is talking now.
• 1:30 A woman in the crowd has whipped out a largeish makeup palette and is fixing her face. Huh?
• 1:33 The makeup continues. Meantime, the field organizer has finished and we seem to be at the awkward silence part of the afternoon.
• 1:40 No kidding, the makeup continues, and consists not only of the palette but also of at least two (maybe three) makeup bags. Maybe she's secret service and that's weaponized mascara.
• 1:46 Secret service suddenly emerges from nowhere. Maybe it's almost time!
• 1:48 I decide to kneel. A professor friend asks if I'm OK. I point to my heels; she lets me know she's first-aid certified if I need it.
• 1:52 Hell with it. I'm taking off the cute shoes. Now I feel like I'm standing in a hole.
• 1:53 The freestater is now talking with a campus safety officer. I like where this is going.
• 1:54 Biden's here!
• 1:59 Some people are just rude and loud, and by "some people," I mean "effing freestaters." [Explanation added later: They just started chanting to drown out the vice president, or, more likely, to get arrested or escorted from the building. Their big M.O. lately seems to be to be rotten enough to get in trouble, and then complain about how oppressed they are.]
• 2:00 Biden says: "Everyone's entitled to their own opinions, but they're not entitled to their own facts."
• 2:09 Biden says: "Listen to those 2, 5, 20 debates they had. They said some unbelievable things."
• 2:11 Note to self and others (and by "others," I mean "Joe Biden"): Avoid unfunny Preakness jokes. What are you, Romney?
• 2:13 Biden says: "75% of those in nursing homes are women who've lost their husbands." That can't possibly be true, can it? Does the remaining 25% really include all single women, all divorced women, all straight married women who have not lost their husbands, all gay women regardless of status, and all men put together? 
• 2:16 When Biden talks about the "crux" of Romney's argument being his business experience, he pronounces it "crooks." Genius.
• 2:19 Biden says: "Creating wealth for investors is not the job of the president. The president has a different job." Real genius.

...and then someone sent me a text with a picture and it killed my battery. Suffice it to say, I had a lovely afternoon, foot pain and white noise and freestaters aside. The vice president was inspirational and funny, but did not say anything really boffo, which was disappointing.

What did you do this afternoon?

Helpful haircare hints

If you are, say, a little grayer than you might like to be, and sort of between stylists, and do a Google search for "hair color in keene, nh" (without quotes), the third hit is for registered sex offenders.

In which I clarify almost nothing

I seem to have created quite a stir on the Facebook page today. That wasn't on purpose, but it's good to know how. I posted:

Oh, hey. Remember when I used to post over here? Sorry about that, gang. Some of the biggest stuff in my life the last few weeks has been VERY SECRET; you'll probably hear about it soon. For today, you get this — and vague promises that I'll try to post more frequently and more hilariously.

And then a link to what Tyler Coates said on his Tumblr about Obama's statement on marriage equality.

Here's a little non-clarifying clarification about that VERY SECRET business. I was maybe a little bit making fun, though there's no way you would have known that.

It's just that one of the things in my life that has taken a certain amount of hijinks-ensue-type energy involves a secret that is not mine to share. It's like if someone else was pregnant (it's not that someone is pregnant) and still early in her first trimester (it's also not that I am pregnant). I'd be able to tell you all about it once she was sharing publicly, just not quite yet.

Seriously, it's not that anyone is pregnant.

But highjinks have ensued.

Brother, you won't get no argument here

I do actually have one or two more things to say about LGBTQ week.

This isn't one of them.

Some of you may have heard me singing this before. Some of you may know that I have been searching for this for as long as I have had access to a video-sharing internet. Some of you will be unsurprised to know that I have been watching old Saturday Night Lives, starting at the beginning, and now that I have found this I am sort of inclined to stop watching.

I'm probably overselling it. But country folks will understand.

Parent Trap

Sometimes, I get a published study to back me up, just in the nick of time.

I have a young friend (an adult, but this happens to adolescents, too, and my advice to their parents would be the same) who is in her first relationship with a woman.

Her straight mom, who is not much older than I am, is having a hard time with this. I know she's not alone, and I am not unsympathetic, and I have watched many straight parents go through this same thing.

Should you be a parent in this situation, here's what you need to navigate the situation with aplomb:

• Plan ahead. Way, way before this comes up, make sure there are trustworthy openly LGBTQ adults in your kids' lives — these could be friends of yours, godparents, aunts or uncles, camp counselors, teachers, clergy if that's your thing. You know, the kind of adults you'd want them going to if they ever felt they couldn't go to you. I understand it may be too late for this step for some of you.
• It's not about you. When and how they share this, whether by accident or on purpose, does not reflect on you or your relationship with your children. How you respond does.
• Your children are not ruining their lives. If anyone does ruin your children's life over a same-sex relationship, it will be the people who are mean to them about who they are. Don't be one of them.
• It's not about you. However much you are accustomed to having your children's identities tied up in yours, it is healthy and appropriate for them to distinguish themselves from you.
• Be open, but respectful. Coming out is different for everyone — some people have a hard time with it, and some people have a less hard time with it; for some people, it's about one relationship, and for some folks, it's a major identity awareness. Either way, you'll do better if you're available without pushing too hard.
• It's not about you. If this is behavior you don't approve of, your child already knows it — and it is likely killing him or her.
• Think of your future. Whatever you do or say now, your children will carry with them as they progress further into adulthood. Be cool for the sake of your future relationships with your children, their future partners, their future children... 
• It's not about you. If you find yourself rationalizing your reaction as actually about something else — secrecy, or a specific person, or even missing curfew, or something, take a deep breath and step way, way back. You will be glad you did.
• Show your kids how proud you are. My young friend is the type you'd be proud to have as your daughter; she's smart and kind and funny and confident and open-minded and athletic and beautiful. Your kids are incredible in their own ways. Make sure they know (and by this I mean, tell them, and also show them) all of how wonderful you think they are, always, both before and after any big revelations come to light.
• Oh, hey. It's not about you.

Straight parents, what would worry/bother you about a queer kid? Other queers, what would you add?

28, as, it turns out, plus 9 — Now with updates!

LGBTQ week here on CMC is off to a slow start, I know, but Monday night I was busy actually celebrating my queerness at the last night of Rainbow Bowl, and last night I was busy with a horrible, horrible migraine. So we're jumping in with both feet, with maybe the longest post of the week.

One of my favorite commenters, Amanda, asked for this one. She suggested "10 things straight friends do that they'd be SHOCKED! to know annoy the hell out of their gay friends (or five, or 15)."

I did not feel qualified to answer this one on my own, so I asked for some help. I did some editing on some of these for length or clarity or format, but all of these happened in real life to me or someone I know — in many cases, repeatedly. Remember, as we discussed back in 19 Secrets Women Wish Men Knew, not all people think alike, even when they are in a group.

1. Telling me I don't "look gay." I don't even know what people mean when they say this. Or rather, I do; they mean my hair is longer than that of the last queer woman they met and they have possibly observed I am wearing heels. What I don't know is how they want me to respond. "Thanks," maybe. Gross. What if I said you didn't look straight/female/black/American/something else that is part of your identity? People do say that other people don't look female/black/American, by the way — it's rude then, too.
2. (From A, a married friend) Referring to marriage equality as “gay marriage” — oh, really, aside from the idiotic lack of federal sanction, how is my gay marriage different from their straight one?
3. Upon learning I'm queer, immediately thinking of the one other queer person they know who they should introduce me to.
4. Never managing to introduce me to any of their other queer friends — it seems like maybe I'm the only queer friend they have, which makes me wonder about them.
5. Encouraging me to start dating very quickly after a major breakup. This has happened to me, but it happened worse to a friend. A gay male couple I knew broke up after 8 years, most of that time spent living together. Literally two weeks later (possibly less), people were urging at least one half that couple to get out there. Let the dude mourn a little if he wants to. I don't know if that's about assuming the relationship was less important because it was two men, or if it's about assuming men (especially gay ones) are so horny they need to have someone to sleep with always, but if I did that to a straight friend who'd just ended a, say, six-year marriage, people would think me abominable.
6. (From A) Ghettoizing us more than we do with phrases like “you people…”
7. (From B, a married female friend in her 60s) People/men addressing us as "girls" - whereas other groups of older women are addressed as ladies… not sure what that is about. 
8. (From B) Asking questions about who takes out the trash and/or does the lawn — like one of us is the butch — which may be true, but I'm not sure it is anyone's business.
9. Defending hurtful behavior as somehow not a big deal. If I stomp on your foot, and you object, and I (or someone else) dismiss it as, "I was just being funny!", your foot will still hurt, and now you'll also be sad that someone who you thought was your friend is standing up for the foot-stomper. On the other hand, "I was just trying to be funny, but I see how my actions had real-life consequences, so I'm sorry I did it, and I'll try not to do it anymore," could be very healing. Just silently agreeing to disagree, even, doesn't heal, but it at least doesn't hurt more. 
10. (From C, a pansexual female friend) Assuming I am a lesbian because I am dating a woman.
11. (From C) Assuming I was a lesbian all along because I am divorcing my husband (because, clearly, the ONLY reason to leave a man is for another woman?!!?!) 
12. (From C) Assuming I was a lesbian all along and grandly congratulating me on my new-to-them same-sex relationship (because, clearly, I've just come out of the closet?!!?) 
13. (From C) Assuming I am not serious about my girlfriend because: a) I married a man, b) I have been with more men than women in my lifetime c) I'm bisexual (really pansexual, but whatev), d) I might just go back to "playing for the other team" 
14. (From C) Assuming that she is male/my boyfriend because of her appearance.
15. (From C) My dad declining my request to bring my girlfriend to the weekly family dinner for a meet-and-greet because: a) he's a homophobic ex-catholic republican b) he thinks that my having a girlfriend is some sort of sexual phase I will outgrow. 
16. Labelling single-person bathrooms by sex. What good does that do anyone?
17. (From D, a female married friend with a child) Asking me if my son's dad is a red-head. It is weird and awkward. 
18. (From D) Asking if I've met the donor even though they know we used a sperm bank - a valid question but odd - it moves closer to annoying when they ask if I had sex with the donor. 
19. (From D) Giving "permission," as in, if a nurse asks a male patient about his wife and he replies that he has a husband, it is incredibly inappropriate for the nurse to say, "Oh, that's OK".
20. (From my friend E) Flirting — or unflirting, as in, "If I were gay, I'd totally be into you."
21. (From E) Using any of the following sentences: "I wish I were gay." "It must be so much easier." "I think I'll just quit [the opposite sex]."
22. (From E) "No, I don't mean gay like that kind of gay; I mean gay like stupid."
23. Using "queer" and "gay" to mean "stupid," and then, when I've called them on it, launching into an explanation that they experimented with the same sex in college.
24. Actually, launching into an explanation of college experimentation with me at all.
25. Taking it personally when we don't come out to them. If this is you, think about whether it's about you or something you might have said, and then, if you're sure it's not, accept that it's about us and our own journey. Let it go.
26. Talking about how they have nothing against LGBTQ folks, but they wouldn't want their own child to be queer, because the world can be so cruel.
27. Claiming they are "queer" because they identify as allies.
28. Using the word "partner" for their heterosexual significant other. This didn't used to bother me the way it does now; now, I see that word as a password, and I dislike when people not in the club use it out of what feels to me like misplaced solidarity.
29. UPDATE: (just in from my friend F) Assuming that we queer folks are big fans of your HRC t-shirt/sticker/etc. Some LGBT folks support the HRC. Others (and this is more than a small number) would rather gnaw off their own foot than give them money. Just because they make the nice equal sign stickers doesn't mean they're the best place to give your money.
30. UPDATE: (from F) "You're just like everyone else!" No, I'm not. And I don't need to be. And, by the way, "everyone else" is not just like "everyone else". 
31. UPDATE: (from F) "Oh...don't call yourself butch!" That tells me two things: first, that the person I'm talking to is uncomfortable with butch identity for a variety of reasons and, two, that they think they way I am proud to describe myself is somehow a put-down.

But also, I thought I should add this to Amanda's original idea: "Things straight people have done unexpectedly that were completely the right thing to do," both because straight people do things right all the time, and because the first one makes a point so beautifully.

1. (From the same A above) Numerous straight people have referred to their husband/wife/significant other as “partner”, which, depending on the couldn’t-really-say-if-you-are-straight-or-gay-or-somewhere-in-between factor they embodied, has kept me wondering until I met said person and learned they were just run o’ the mill straight people after all. 
2. (From A) They’ve asked me (when I was single) and us, now that I’m married, to be godfather(s) to their child, and want their child to grow up knowing that love comes in myriad forms. Mostly, they want their child to know that love comes at them from many directions. 
3. (From B) They passed legal marriage and that had to be done by straights; as well as the ordination of gays in at least some states… 
4. (From B) So often now guys like the plumber who comes to fix the sink, doesn't blink. How different from even 5 years ago! 
5. (From C) My sister talking at length about my girlfriend and how (insanely) happy she makes me at said homophobic ex-catholic republican dad's house during the weekly family dinner 
6. (From C) My (aforementioned) dad's wife sending an e-mail to me suggesting that while dinner with dad is a no-go, she would be very happy to meet my girlfriend 
7. (From C) My co-workers noting that I'm a happier camper and upon finding out why (her!) giving tons of support/congrats/et cetera. Hell, Chef even picked up the food tab for our elaborate 9-course side-by-side belated Valentine's dinner date. That's love right there in the food industry! 
8. People who just asked when they wondered if I'm, you know, that way, especially when I was obviously struggling with coming out.
9. People who've had and expressed hurtful views to me — and apologized unequivocally when they realized they were wrong.

So, hoping the comments here are more lively. LGBTQ folks, what did I leave off either list? Straight folks, what are your questions/comments/concerns, beyond that I appear to sort my friends in alphabetical order?

Timing is everything

Here's the thing: I have a thing I want to do with the blog, which I was going to announce today, and then decided that today would be the wrong day for it, because if you all thought it was an April Fool thing, and said it was dumb, then I wouldn't be able to do it.

It's like that time my friend had to tell his or her newish significant other they had crabs on April Fools Day, and the S.O. thought it was a joke. That's awkward, right? To have to convince someone you have crabs?*

So I thought I'd do a real April Fool thing here if I could think of a good one, but all I've come up with so far is an apology to you announcing I have to shut down the blog for some reason, except that then if anyone took it seriously, they'd unsubscribe, and then I'd lose readers, which I only have like a dozen of to start with. For real, you guys, I'm not shutting down the blog.

Here's what I am doing, for reals: Not next week, but the week after, is queer week. A bunch of different LGBTQ topics have come up in my life lately, and it occurred to me that my readership, which consists mostly (though by no means exclusively) of supportive straight folks (thanks, by the way), might benefit from my thoughts on some of those topics. Topics will include but are not necessarily limited to:

• Appropriate responses to your child dating people of the same sex, and what it means when parents do it wrong
• Appropriate responses to the insulting use of words like "faggy," "gay," "queer," "dyke," etc., and appropriate responses to being called on inappropriate use of same
• Dealing with "Christians" who think people are damned to hell

In the week between now and then, I'll try to keep it light with some funny stories at my expense. Here's your job: Think of other topics you'd like to see addressed in queer week and comment here. If you're worried about offending me, feel free to comment anonymously.




*None of the people in that story are me, I promise.

April powers

Things that I read, heard about, or did today that seemed like April Fool's jokes but apparently weren't:

• I told my friend I was leaving for Sears right then, but I didn't leave for an hour, and she was waiting for me there the whole time.
• Someone I know started doing something called a "Harry Potter workout."
• A friend-of-a-friend received a phone call asserting that her mother had been kidnapped and demanding ransom, when in fact the mother was in a sauna and not kidnapped. The FBI was uninterested that someone is making calls claiming to have kidnapped people.
• The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced his intent to retire, and one of the frontrunners his successor is opposed to the ordination of women.
• I started watching Dirty Sexy Money because I ran out of episodes of The Jersey Shore. 
• I continued to cram for my cholesterol test.

Also, I gave away the bed frame from the moving story to BTG from the moving story.

And may have learned that eating too many almonds maybe gives me migraines. Maybe. I'm not willing to commit to that yet, because almonds are good.